"the day Uganda gained its independence from Britain" - U of Michigan Supplement

I used this for another supplement, i was wondering if you guys think it would work with this topic as well.
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words

October 9th, 1961 was a day never forgotten in my household. The day radiated with exuberant smiles, warm feelings, and a plethora of spicy Indian/ African aromas stewing the nostrils of many. It was the day Uganda gained its independence from Britain, the day of unification, liberation, and emancipation. Each year, this day stands as a significant remembrance, one that will never allow to me to forget my Ugandan roots. Being a first generation American, I enjoy embracing my cultural background with hopes of bringing my unique ingredient to the already simmering American melting pot.

The day begins with a warm bowl of Ugali, a maize delicacy known to Kampala the capital of Uganda. Then I typically assist my father in medial tasks, while he tells me interesting stories about his childhood in Uganda. My grandmother prepares a variety of delicacies; ones that make any person salivate. The whole family gathers in an environment filled with various percentages of love and laughter, delicious foods and bloodcurdling stories. The day ends with a late night Cassava snack and home movies from the past years.

This exciting African culture allows me to bring a distinctive experience to University of Michigan- a place in which various diversities and ethnicities are allowed to flourish, a place filled with culture, learning, and intelligence. I hope to bring this community to University of Michigan.

I don't know if it's grammatically incorrect, but I suggest you don't begin a sentence with a date; it's weird. Perhaps, something like:

The morning of October 9th, 1961 radiated with exuberant smiles and warm feelings; a day never forgotten in my household. It was the day Uganda...


"Roots" didn't sound too fitting. Maybe use the word "heritage" instead.


Again, vocabulary choice. "Salivate" sound too scientific and doesn't give off that home-y feelings radiating from your grandma's food.


I think you meant the "2nd generation" instead. Your parents would be the first generation of Ugandan-American

Overall, I like the descriptions of the family activities you do on that day, but I would suggest that you elaborate more on how these activities helps connect you to the Ugandan culture or how this culture had affected you.

Good luck :)

Take my correction as suggestions.

I really like the first paragraph!! it's great!
But the second one, I think it's a bit too easy and quick for a whole day. Maybe you can expand or just focus on one tradition that can greatly give people a picture of your culture.

and the last sentence, I don't know but I think to say"bring the community to U mich" the word community is a bit weird. maybe ideas or something like that.

:) only my opinion.

For this sentence, as a matter of style, you should use present tense since most of the paragpraph is in present tense.

Overal, the essay is excellent, good luck in your application.

I am applying UMich too, please critique mine as well, thank you!

Great writing style here. I am going to be showing this essay to other people as an example of rhythmic, flowing sentences.

Then I typically assist my father in medial menial??? tasks, while he ...

I think you "knocked it out of the park," or whatever you want to call it. This is great use of the 250 words.