Describe your work experience or extracurricular activities (1 or 2 paragraphs)
Please help me with grammar and give necessary feedback.
In my high school I got an opportunity to participate in 3 days long international mathematical event. I was given privilege to lead my team consisting 3 members. That was a new experience to me because I had been leading the team for the very first time in my life. In the competition, we were given sets of challenging, tricky and brain storming mathematical puzzles and our job was to solve them in limited time.
Each of the 3 days of the competition was an opportunity to learn. With a position of power comes responsibility and I learned about what it takes to be a leader, stand strong and determined. I learned taking obligation seriously by carrying out my leadership and constantly reminding my mates that we had to stay focused and work in collaboration. We developed time management skills and worked in team spirit to reach destination. The hard work and team spirit finally paid off and our team was able to bag silver accolade- my major achievement as a leader.
In my high schoolAs a high school student, I gotreceivedanthe unique opportunity to participate in 3 days long international mathematical event.contest . I was also given privilege to lead my team whichconsistingconsisted of 3 membersthat --- add something about their personalities? something unique-- . That was a new experience to me because I had been leading the team for the very first time in my life.
InAt the competition, we were given sets of challenging, tricky, and brain storming mathematical puzzles and. O ur job was to solve them in limited timeadd a number, details are important . Each of the 3 daysatof the competition was an opportunity to learn. With a position of power comes responsibility,and I learned about what it takes to be a leader, to stand strong and determined. I learned about taking obligation seriously by carrying out my leadership and constantly reminding my friendsmates that we had to stay focused and work in collaborationcollaborate . Through the experience, We developed time management skills and workedlearned how to work together within team spirit to reach destination. The hard work and team spirit finally paid off and our team was able to bag silver accolade- my major achievement as a leader.
Even though you do talk about an event, it really doesn't show how you are truly being a leader. The paragraph I feel is more of you telling the story. I think you should SHOW your personal journey through it. For example, I would start off mid-competition as such
I was frozen.The sounds Tic... Toc... echoed through my mind as our only chance at the international competition was coming to an end. I stared at the desperate faces of my three partners. I knew I had to do something.
Then talk about how to led the team and gathered and focused them. I feel the essay will be stronger if you go through the experience on paper not simply tell what happened
This is my revised draft.
My deadline is tomorrow
Please provide feedback and make any necessary grammatical and contextual corrections.
Thanks in advance.
As a high school student, I received an opportunity to participate in an international mathematical contest. I was also given privilege to lead my team which consisted of 3 members- each of them intelligent, determined but never had been to any competitions. That was a new experience and a new obligation to me because I was leading the team for the very first time in my life- a chance for me to prove myself a capable leader.
In the competition, we were given sets of challenging, tricky and brainy mathematical puzzles and our job was to solve them in limited time. As the time started, our heart beat paced. Thousands of ideas stroked in our minds but not the one which would solve the puzzles. I was frozen. The sound of moving clock(tic-tac) echoed through my mind as our only chance at international competition was coming to an end. I looked at the desperate faces of my partners- no any signs of joy. With a position of power comes responsibility and being the leader, I knew I had to do something, stand strong and determined. I reminded my friends that we had to stay focused, add a bit of load in our mind as trying is worth sitting idle. Then we started solving and luckily found a solution of a problem quickly. It gave us millions of hopes and motivations. Then we gave our best to remaining problems and finally solved most of them. The hard work and team spirit finally paid off and our team was able to bag silver accolade- my major achievement as a leader
I was frozen. The sound of the clock was echoing through my mind. Tic... Toc... Our only chance at the international mathematics competition was ticking down. I looked at the desperate faces of my three teammates -- no signs of motivation were visible. At that moment, when all hope seem lost, my mouth started moving by itself and I whispered "never give up." Then I lost it.
"The competition isn't over, why are we giving up?" I questioned my teammates, "This is our only opportunity, lets take full advantage of it." From there, I immediately reorganized their thoughts. On a sheet of paper, I wrote down what we knew and what we needed to find out. As soon as the facts were on the paper, my teammates started drawing conclusions of their own, figuring out how to connect the dots to solve the problem. With our hopes lifted, we went on to the rest of problems without any pauses in our pace. The hard work and team spirit finally paid off and our team was able to win the silver accolade.
Through my experience as a leader, I realized that it's the leaders job to guide his followers despite the obstacles in the path. Even though our teams problem was simple confusion, This experience will help me become a better leader in the future. Guiding my teammates to victory when all hope was lost was my major achievement as the leader
I revised the essay and made it a little bit more interesting I think, but I feel its really vague and rough. I don't know if you should use this as your essay because I feel that you have another activity or experience which you could add more depth to than this one. Also something to consider is that many people will be writing about their victory and leadership and how they guided their team whether it be in a math contest or a varsity athletics club. Feel free to use my version or amend your version with something in mine. Best of luck =).