I am more than half way of my study plan for the upcoming admission. Can you please help me to have a look at because I dont really know what to write?
1. Please tell us the reasons why you decided to apply to the department/area of Sejong University to which you are applying (be specific). (200 (min.)~400 (max.) words)
I discovered about the bachelor's degree in hospitality and tourism management of Sejong university after doing tons of research and I strongly believe it would be a perfect match for me since Korea is one of the most developed countries in tourism. Furthermore, Sejong was the first one to open the course at university level and the institution has its own hotel, which brings the most practical environment, along with newly researched and developed theories and technologies.
Moreover, It is not difficult to recognize nowadays people are becoming fond of the idea that they should come in for a better living standard than working tirelessly in order to save the fortune. One of common choices to relieve people from their stressful life, is travelling. Due to the fact that many countries are now engaged in the relationship with other countries and numerous airlines increasingly operate new and cheap routes to different places, it turns out to be much easier for people to travel. For example, between 2014 and 2015, three direct routes linking Incheon to different parts of Vietnam (Hanoi, Danang, Hochiminh city) were launched by various Korean and Vietnamese airlines. Additionally, the world has become globalized which means more and more countries started to broaden their borderlines and governments have loosened visa restrictions for their partners' citizens. For example, most Europeans and Asians will have visa exemption to Vietnam if term of residence is less than 15 days. Those factors enhance gradually the tourism industry and people can tell that in the future, tourism in general will be tropical field to work in. Not only hotels, travel agencies but also airlines, cruises, resorts, catering services or event companies are places that I can find career opportunities.
Lastly, I have a lasting image from visiting my aunt's workplace, a mid-range hotel in Hanoi. Listening to her stories and observing her employees working effectively as a unit intrigued me, it was impressive and partly inspired my dream of taking way in hotel services industry. As I examined my interests and goals by doing different jobs during gap year, I found myself interested in travelling-related-job. To me, travel is not only about making a journey to different places (even within a city) but also about trying new cuisines and exploring new things. Therefore, it's just not about hotel but tourist attraction and restaurant are things that accomplish people trip. Majoring in hospitality, tourism and foodservice management department will help to fulfill my desire.
- Do you think it goes a little out of topic( i mean the 2nd paragraph)
Hi Trinh, I notice that the prompt is asking for you to be specific, to answer your question, yes, the second paragraph went a little too far from the overall purpose of the essay and you should take note, at all times, that the prompt is asking you to be very specific and so this is how it should be done.
However, I must say that you started very strong in this essay, you were able to answer the prompt straight away, precise and direct, I believe the first paragraph suffice what is asked of the essay. On the other hand, it also doesn't hurt if you add a little more information in your essay but may be not too much as it is in your current essay.
In doing your research, I believe the part where you give an example on routes and destinations is not necessary for now, this can be added later on should you need supporting essay to back up your work, but for now this is not necessary.
I hope to read your revision soon and I wish the best of luck!
thank you so much, justivy03, for your feedbacks
over the last few days I have thought of how to change it and this is my revision
I have a lasting image from visiting my aunt's workplace, a mid-range hotel in Hanoi. Listening to her stories about serving the customers and observing her employees working effectively as a unit intrigues me. It was impressive and partly inspired my dream of working in a place where people dress neatly in suits and heels. Not only being classy and elegant but they are also friendly and helpful. I still remembered the lady in the hotel's tourist office who showed kindness and answered customers' questions in a very great detail and gave her best to satisfy their needs.
Moreover, the hospitality and tourism management course seems to suit me well due to my characteristic since I would like to interact with people and get connected with them. Pleasing somebody else or making them happy is also what I want to achieve.
Nowadays, it is not difficult to recognize people r becoming fond of the idea that they should come in for a better living standard than working tirelessly in order to save fortune. Because of that, the tourism industry in general had faced rapid growth throughout this decade and the World Travel Organisation predicts by the year of 2020, size of the industry will increase doubly. People can tell that in the future, it will be tropical field to work in. Tourism is usually categorized as travel or hotel management but it contains a wide range careers and employment opportunities like event organizers, casino or restaurant operators, airlines or cruises. Working in this industry allows me to discover and open to the world from both at home and abroad. For example, meeting people from different countries, learning another languages and experiencing new cultures. Additionally, I am personally interested in travelling and I acknowledge that people also relieve their stressful life by travelling therefore I would love to dedicate my effort in order to accomplish others' dream trips.
Lastly, I discovered about the bachelor's degree in hospitality and tourism management of Sejong university after doing tons of research and I strongly believe it would be a perfect match for me since Korea is one of the most developed countries in tourism. Furthermore, Sejong was the first one to open the course at university level and the institution has its own hotel, which brings the most practical environment, along with newly researched and developed theories and technologies.
Hi Trinh, as I read your essay, I notice that you haven't revised it following the suggestions we mentioned, however, of course its your choice. Now, what you did is changed the sequence of the essay, somehow this has not help the essay, it should be a specific and straight forward writing that is focused on answering the question, Why Sejong University?, as mentioned the first paragraph is strong and the succeeding ones are not, so you have to take that into account.
Moreover, the essay is already good and written well, the only issue is the excess of information and how the sentences got weak towards the end of the paragraphs.
Now, what I wish to see is a revised essay that still has that strong start and a stronger ending. You are able to write well and I believe you will be able to modify your essay in a much stronger point following the introduction of the original essay.
I hope to read your final revision soon.
I think the second paragraph should be more clarified, so that you can answer more specifically about 'why you have to go to Sejong Univ.' The whole globalization part does not suit the essay prompt. I would rather change it into the situation in Korea, adding personal opinions or visions on rapidly changing industry.
Hmm, so these r ideas that I based on to write this:
1. Please tell us the reasons why you decided to apply to the department/area of Sejong University to which you are applying (be specific)
- Why I choose Korea and Sejong ? First uni with uni-level course and its own hotel
- Why I choose hospitality and tourism management? * Because of my childhood experience ( come to my aunt's workplace) => i think it suits my characteristics.
* Becoz tourism industry is hot indútry => there r continuous needs of manager
* I can work in many places other than hotels or tour operators..
How abt the idea ??? because I also want to make it stronger but until I get the idea okay.
It seems okay, but I suggest you that include particular courses in Sejong Univ. I heard that they have great programs for undergraduates, such as job consulting with the professors. Also, "I can work in many places other than hotels or tour operators" seems kinda vague. With your specific career plan, I think you can make it more special.