'degree in business management' - Essay describing long-term career goals

Hello I really need some help on writing this essay for college. I haven't been in school in 6 years and I'm lost at the moment. All help will be very much appreciated. Here is the first paragraph to the essay.

Some of my long-term goals is to attain a degree in business management. In doing so I wish to start my own company and better myself and those around me. To acquire my first goal I would need to study hard and work harder to achieve my goal, and become very successful. I have heard that Virginia College has the programs I need to get my career started on the right path.I hope to get the skills and gudience while at Virginia College, so when I graducate I could pay it forward with the community around me; by becoming successful and a hard worker.

If you have any ideas on how to make this paragraph better please let me know..

Thanks

L

Some of my long-term goals is to attain a degree in business management . My long term goal is to attain a degree in business management , (I suggest you add a line or two before stating what your chosen degree is)

To acquire my first goal I would need to study hard and work [even] harder to achieve my goal, and become very successful

I hope to get the skills and gudience while at Virginia College, so when I graducate I could pay it forward with the community around me; by becoming successful and a hard worker.

I hope to get proper guidance and gain various skills , so when I graduate I could pay it forward to the community around me;by becoming a successful and hard worker .

I'm no expert but I suggest you sit and write this essay with someone who has good English and can guide you at each step,

A

Thanks

First, i notice that you used to many "I"s and teachers hate seeing this... i would know from experience. hoped this helped

Hi,

I would like to suggest some important points which will help you to arrange your essay in proper format. Below given are the points:

1. Introduce yourself with your background.
2. Your past experience and main goal.
3. Give reasons why would you like to go for this particular program.
4. Explain how this will help you to complete your dream.
4. Summarize it.

Hope this hepls:)
Good luck.

Thanks
Ana.