Here is the prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
So far I only have an intro. But could anyone critique it? Do any of you feel that you know what I will be talking about in the following paragraphs?
(One question I had in mind was whether the last sentence (or rather contrasting statement) was too abrupt)
Countless people and numerous factors have molded my perception and aspirations. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant beauty of melody and harmony; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. Undoubtedly, all these environments have shaped and nurtured my goals; however, my dream was most influenced my school and classmates.
As a student of one of the top public schools, I vigorously competed ...
Hi Dongho -
Its a great start to an essay and I see your passion. However, I do have a couple critics.
The prompt is asking how a goal or aspiration has been changed by the world around you. You seem to pick several goals: education, swimming, music and then back to education. Personally, I would just focus on you education goal, which is what your essay seems to be about.
Second, briefly discuss why its important to you, i.e. first family member to go to college or your dream to pursue a MD, JD, scientist, etc. Also stating that you went to a top rank school H.S. (didn't know they were ranked) seems a bit pretentious and might be setting you up for an attack by the admission people (i.e. if you went to a top ranked, then they would assume you would have really high testing scores etc.)
I guess my idea would end up with something along the lines of how people are independent in their aspiration, but are still a product of their environment. I aspired to be the first one in my family to get a degree, since I was a young boy, seeing the opportunities that were closed to my family. My family and community supported my dreams by pushing me harder to succeed in my goal, but my fellow students were the dominant driving force in my will to succeed.
Hope this helps a bit.
Ha. I see a lot of misinterpretation... I think I should finish it up first.
The prompt is asking how a goal or aspiration has been changed by the world around you. You seem to pick several goals: education, swimming, music and then back to education. Personally, I would just focus on you education goal, which is what your essay seems to be about.
This was only an introduction. I'm saying that, "yes, these people did help define my goal, but I think that my school influenced me the most", which is what the prompt is partly asking for.
Second, briefly discuss why its important to you, i.e. first family member to go to college or your dream to pursue a MD, JD, scientist, etc. Also stating that you went to a top rank school H.S. (didn't know they were ranked) seems a bit pretentious and might be setting you up for an attack by the admission people (i.e. if you went to a top ranked, then they would assume you would have really high testing scores etc.)
I don't think so at all... I'm using this to justify the competitive atmosphere at my school. Well, since this is only my introduction, there's some misunderstandings. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can, and then we'll see how this turns out..
No worries. When you look at a part of something, you can misinterpret things. Finishing it up and posting the whole thing might be a good idea.
here is another chance to look at how "less is more" when it comes to modifiers:
Countless people and numerous factors have...
Read it this way, and I think you'll agree that it is better when not weighed down by numerous. (countless and numerous are redundant together.)
---and accomplished for the past sixteen years. --- are you only 16? For some reason I thought you were much older. The way you write makes me think you are older.
...my dream was most influenced (by?) my school and classmates.
You should use fewer modifiers. Especially adverbs. Adverbs are the devil. And do you know what is especially the devil? Adverbs that end in ly (which is most of them). Yuck! You can improve almost any sentence you ever see by taking the adverbs right out.
I can't determine the main idea yet, but maybe after you write some more it will be clear..
:-)
Yeah... I had trouble with the first two paragraphs. I felt like I was splitting the introduction into two. Instead, I'm going to try changing that sentence and merging the first two paragraphs, since the last sentence of the second one actually encapsulates the whole idea of the essay. Here is the revised introduction:
The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I ...
How does this look?
What seemed like days had passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep.
or
I felt as though I had been sitting there for a thousand years when the computer finally...
Nice!---> fateful phrase
At age eight, I discovered my passion for programming.--- I think it is about time to end that first para here... before moving on to mention parents, etc.
Since that revolutionary incident, countless people ...
However, it was my friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do.--- this will be a nice transition into a discussion of their influence...
Looking good!
Thanks for the compliments and advice! I'm still working on this essay. I'll update the version soon.
Here is my newest version of the essay.
I split of the introduction and tried to make things a little clearer.
The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I uneasily scanned the code I had meticulously engineered the past hour, and my head jerked from side to side as I nervously reviewed the textbook. The cursor hovered over the icon, and I covered my eyes as I made the fateful click. What seemed like years had passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep. I peered through my hands, afraid that my painstaking efforts would yield a mere "Compilation error." But to my utmost relief, I read that fateful phrase: "Hello World!" At age eight, I discovered my passion for programming.
Since that revolutionary incident, countless people and factors have molded my personality and perceptions of the world. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant harmony between mind and soul; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. All of these people taught me that the successful person always helps others and undoubtedly fashioned my aspirations. However, it was my helpful friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do.
During the current Information Age, my friends and I indulged in engineering and computer programming. Initially, our similar interests were conducive to details and ideas that would improve homework efficiency and experimental safety. For example, many of our classmates struggled when balancing chemical equations; because disproportionate ratios of chemicals can lead to disastrous explosions, my friends and I set off to develop an interactive program that would graphically guide the users through step-wise calculations to the correct solutions. Although the endeavor was extremely challenging and required weeks of planning and compiling, my friends helped me drudge through difficult code until we yielded the final result. Through our software, our classmates avoided chemical accidents and performed better on homework and tests.
This success inspired my friends and me to sophisticate and utilize our expertise to assist others in productive and safe education. Together, we decided to market our talents. Computers are indispensable to current education, so we addressed users afflicted with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a serious illness of aching wrists due to excessive computer use. While my friends designed the appearance and structure of a comfortable forearm rest for typing, I crafted a user-friendly program that adjusted the height and positions of the device. Such a gargantuan task was impossible to complete solo; when I needed assistance, my friends would pause their labor to help find bugs in my software and condense my code. Our finished product received Semifinalist standing in the National Engineering Design Challenge, a competition geared towards the development educational technology for handicapped people.
Without my friends, it would have been impossible to acquire the satisfaction of helping others achieve the full potential of education. My friends' selfless assistance and our accomplishments inspired me to continue, through computer programming, to develop effective and productive technology.
Excellent essay! I absolutely love the way you carry the reader through to the end.
A few suggestions:
"Since that revolutionary incident"
Instead of 'incident', perhaps 'moment' would be more fitting, because I think you are referring to the moment that your program compiled properly and displayed "Hello World!".
"My music tutors taught me the poignant harmony between mind and soul; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness."
I really liked this sentence.
"All of these people taught me that the successful person always helps others and undoubtedly fashioned my aspirations."
I think you are referring to 'all of these people' when you say 'fashioned my aspirations' but the way the sentence is worded, it seems like you are referring to 'the successful person.' You may want to word that in a different way.
"However, it was my helpful friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do."
I would put it like so: "However, my helpful friends most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do."
"my friends and I set off to develop an interactive program that would graphically guide the users through step-wise calculations to the correct solutions"
Cool idea! It gave me some nice ideas for my own chem class! Gotta say, it "molded my perception of the world." ;)
This is a great essay, and I wish you the best of luck in getting into MIT!
Thanks everyone for your help!
I was wondering if I would recycle this essay for the following prompt:
"In a world where technology continually adapts and progresses, Harvey Mudd College expects that our students will be aware of the impact of their work on society. How would you use new advances to improve your life and/or the lives of those around you? Describe your idea and its potential impact. Feel free to be as creative or as practical as you like."
Would it work? From these apps, I learned that it's best to right a "universal" essay that will help answer several college prompts at once so that you won't have to write over and over again. :)
How would you use new advances to improve your life and/or the lives of those around you? Describe your idea and its potential impact.
Ah, well, this'll have to be condensed into a paragraph or two and used with an essay that focuses on what you would like to do in the future. You can use the example from the past to explain your way of thinking before introducing the idea you have for what you WOULD like to do with advances now and in the future.