Hi. Can you review my essay? I wrote this for admission to Penn State. They do not have a required essay but suggest including a personal statement with your application. Here it is.
How would you describe yourself is certainly a thought provoking question. One that, more often than not, many find difficult to answer. Some may be inclined to incorporate the thoughts of those who are closest to them. When asked to describe their children, moms tend to focus on their child's heart and soul; while dads are more inclined to describe their children's goals and ambitions.
When I asked my mom to describe me, she said that I am benevolent, trustworthy and affectionate. At the same time, she reminded me that I am "as stubborn as a mule" because once I get an idea in my mind I go after it relentlessly. My dad described me as highly motivated and disciplined. He said I work diligently and intensively to achieve the goals I have set. My younger brother said "You are the older sister of the coolest brother, and I can't wait for you to go to college so I can have your room." I was not surprised by his answer.
Using my family's responses as my foundation I would describe myself as passionate and compassionate. I am passionate about life, my beliefs, and helping others; compassionate about people struggling to overcome obstacles. I have always been interested in American Sign Language; and have already studied sign language as an elective course for three years.
My first experience with the deaf culture was in second grade, when I befriended two girls that were considered "outsiders" because they could not speak nor hear. Their ability to overcome what I perceived to be a huge disadvantage made a great impression on me. One of my greatest challenges was helping a family friend whose child has autism. At first, this was far more difficult than I anticipated. As we got to know each other better; however, things became easier for both of us. Although she is unable to communicate verbally, she has learned to sign a few words. I am thankful for our time together and strongly feel that I have probably learned more from her than she has from me. As you can see by these two examples, I have a strong desire to assist others facing unique challenges. As such, I intend to major in pre-med and minor in Deafness and Hearing Studies.
Being the first in my family to attend college, it is an aspiration of mine to go to a university. My cousins, Jennifer and Chad Minutillo, have been my role models. Both are now proud Penn State graduates. With each passing day of my senior year, I become more determined to carry on this new Minutillo tradition. I embrace the challenges associated with pursuing admittance to the university of my dreams as my fear of failure pales in comparison to my desire to succeed. It would be an honor and a privilege to be admitted to Penn State, so I, too, can become a Penn State alumni.
This is a somewhat charming essay but so light-weight that I don't think it's going to do you much good. Penn State isn't so interested in your personal characteristics as perceived by your family. I'd start over and focus on your interest in Deafness and Hearing Studies. In writing about this, show that you understand what Deaf culture is and that your interest in this realm goes beyond that of a do-gooder who is fascinated by "the deaf." Avoid the phrase "the deaf," which is rather like "the gays" or "the blacks."
I did not start over but made significant changes.
Hey there fellow penn state applicant. I think you have wrote a very good essay with just the right amount of humour.
Thank you. Are you also applying for 2010?
I think you have done a great job, specific and quite amusing.
I don't know is amusing was the word I was hoping for but thank you :)
a total transformation. a lot better than your first one. i think you should describe more why you have those people listed as your role model. maybe cut a little shorter on the personality stuffy try to combine it into one paragraph and extend more about your interest with helping the disadvantage. so far so good though!
i think the brother comment was a nice touch, to make the essay more interesting to read.
you got your point of interest across well.
i think you'll get in with this essay
good luck
Thank you. Unfortunately, Penn State has a max of 1200 characters for your personal statement. I had to redo the essay again and shorten it to about half. Sent application yesterday.
