I have to write a essay describing the information unwanted to put into my essay. For example exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your ablities it academic credentials, personal responsibilitys, exceptional achievements or talents educational goals or ways you might contributed to an instution committed to creating a diverse learning environment. So I decided to talk about my goals in track and how its going to help with my life entirely. And this is what I have so far.
Going to a middle school where all my friends were in sports I naturally joined in with them. Ever since we finished our track season with the win in district I knew I would run track in high scholars and through college. Running track through school will help give me the opportunity to get into college helping me accomplish my long term goals.
Here are a few things that I've changed. To me, this is how the essay (at least the first part) will sound better. I've corrected them in red :D
Going to a middle school where all my friends were in sports, I naturally joined in with them. Ever since we finished our track season with the win at district , I knew I would run track in high school and college. Running track through school will help give me the opportunity to get into good college, helping me accomplish my long term goals.
....me accomplish my long term goals. What long-term goals? Carry on with what they are.
Talk about what track has done for you. Has it made you stronger? If so, mentally, physically, or both?
Talk about why you want to do track? Is it for scholarships or because you truly love it? People love dedication and passion!!
Describe your best run. (I think you should start with this, because it starts suddenly and can catch the reader's eye. Once again, my thoughts on how I would do it! )
Hope this helps!! Let me know how it goes! I am looking forward to reading a longer, more-construted piece!!
-VM
Heres What i came up with as an alternative beginning, but I'm not sure if it sounds to much like a story or how to start the next paragraph.
I can feel the warmth or the sun sitting on my back while I sat in my blocks waiting for the gun to go off. This was it! The race that would determined wither I would be going to the regional meet in my open 400 meter dash. Bang! We were off. Down the home stretch, legs burning, sweat dripping, I felt the determination running through my veins. Before I know it I was finished. And on my way to the regional meet.
I liked the first one better though. What about you?
actually you're right. the first sounds better. this one sounds a little... forced if that makes sense. follow what i said earlier about carrying on and it should be a success. NOTE: im not like an all-being on writing or something. I write pretty well and this is how i would go about this essay. take advice from others too!!
that being said, i think youre showing great promise, and you have a good idea. it is still a little foggy, but if you put a little thought and effort, it will be great!
-VM
I decided to keep the first beginning. This is what I came up with for the next one.
Running for Judson High School I started out my freshmen uswest with a bang, winning our district and regional meet then I was off to State with my preserving track team. My success continued the filling two years as I made it to the atTention meet once again.
Anyone who runs track knows it takes a lot more then just jumping on the track and being fast. It too me dedication, perserverence(?), and a lot of hard work to make me the runner I am today.
I can name quite a few things that track has done for me, however the main things that have effected me the most is the amount of responsibility I have to put in towards my classes, setting goals and following through with them as well as being more mature when being put in peer pressure situations.
After this I was going to go into depth on the things track has done for me. But I'm not what I should add to make the essay more unique or if I even set it up the correct way.