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"Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago


tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 1, 2009   #1
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago

A born and bred New Yorker I have been exposed to great schools, people of all nationalities, and gradually safer streets. With such advantages, I thought I would not want to travel out of state for college since everything has already "came to me." My mind was changed when I discovered the University of Chicago.

Great research programs, paired with a chance to study abroad, the University of Chicago allows me to combine my lifelong goal of plastic surgeon along with my interest in the Spanish language. But besides the academics, something else in a school is also important to me. Having gone to a culturally diverse high school for the past four years-attending talent shows, and making friends of different races, and religions I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity. The University of Chicago, with students from all walks of life, will satisfy my desire to be in a place full of people that do not look the same.

Although New York may not be the best example of a safe environment, like anyone else, safety is important to me. The University of Chicago Police Department does everything possible to keep their neighboring areas, and students safe. There is even a late night escort service offered that will take me wherever I would like. This ensures I live in a safe environment, something to look forward to. For me, the University of Chicago is the total package.
thegerman 4 / 15  
Aug 1, 2009   #2
I like it, you do talk about diversity which is what a school wants to hear
What i think you could improve is based on this quote...

ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.
-JFK

basically, put more emphasis on what you can bring to the University of Chicago!
idk about grammer and stuff but besides that great essay!
lyndavan /  
Aug 1, 2009   #3
In my near future, I hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon
Just that comma. Other than that, it is a good essay.

I also like Thegerman's idea.
However, be sure to stay within the word limit.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 1, 2009   #4
Chicago eh? Well, I am going to get VERY critical in that case

#1
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago

In my near future I hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people who want to look a little younger, or people who have been in unfortunate situations.

^Unfortunate situations? Like what? People do not only go to plastic surgeons to look younger. Women, :), also go for boob jobs. Unless, you are implying that being small breasted is an unfortunate situation. (Perhaps thats more under cosmetic surgery, I dont know. Regardless, expand on what you interpret as an unfortunate situation. Alternatively, you can just say that you want to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, and just stop there)

But I know that before I can take such a giant leap I must first take baby steps, something the University of Chicago can help me with.

^Wow. I guess UChicago would love to know that its being used to help an aspiring surgeon, learn it's baby steps. Not really a compliment hear. It kind of makes it sound as if UChicago is a great place to start, for an AMATEUR.

Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

^
Your grammar towards the end is flaky. Also, how sure ar eyou that you can even get experience at UChicago's hospital? Have you done any research on this? If UChicago knows that students do not do internships there, it will be uninterested in your application, because you have no idea about the Uni's policies, thus signaling a lack of interest in the University.

This would add convenience, and add to the learning experience of sitting inside of a classroom.
A future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Are you dissing, UChicago's summer program?? Nice.

I have also been in my current high school for so long-a diverse school-that I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity.
^How is your school diverse? In what ways, can you consider it diverse?

The University of Chicago will allow me to stay in my element, and not feel out of place, since it is a very diverse school.

^I would not say it is very diverse. UChicago has some of the most intellectual people, in the world. However, the vast majority of these people, are NERDS. UChicago does not have that active of a sports scene. So in terms of interests, there is not too much of diversity. (You will probably find that these nerds all like the same things, studies, computer games like World of Warcraft, and Comic Book Conventions). Culturally, I am not too sure however. In terms of talent, (music and drama), I do not know how strong UChicago is in these departments. All I know, is that at UChicago, in terms of people who study academic disciplines, people are nerds and study very very very very hard, hence the reason that they are such an academically intensive University. There is not that much time for play.

I can combine great
learning, with diversity which is, to me, "my scene".
^Uh yea.
kritipg 2 / 57  
Aug 1, 2009   #5
A future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.
^Are you dissing, UChicago's summer program?? Nice.

No, she's complimenting its study abroad program.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 1, 2009   #6
O dear. Reading error again.

Well, I think the reading error was caused due to the sentence structure, which confused me at first.

As a future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Actually. What culture are we referring to? Spain's? Mexican?

*Edit.
I still can not believe how I misread that. Damn words getting jumbled up whenever I read.
When I read, for some reason, I read 'culture faster than through the study abroad', hence the reason I commented on it.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 1, 2009   #7
true, i probably shouldnt put the baby steps thing in there so i agree with that.

as far as the hospital, im SURE theyd let us intern there. whats the point of it being there anyways? but i will recheck. i thought thats what i read, but i will reread b.c. now im a bit nervous lol.

diversity, i meant as far as the people, and nationalities. not really the nerd part. any suggestions on how i can clarify that?

i will rewrite and post in like 2 days.

thanks!
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 2, 2009   #8
whats the point of it being there anyways?

Well, I am sure that hospitals are there to treat people who are in need of medical assistance.

diversity, i meant as far as the people, and nationalities. not really the nerd part. any suggestions on how i can clarify that?

^Find out how culturally diverse UChicago actually is, and perhaps what measures it takes to promote cultural diversity.
Diversity is a very broad word. You say 'people'. I presume you mean that 'people' will be diverse in interests as well then. That is why I discussed the academic part. UChicago is known to be a very academically challenging university, where it's students typically enjoy studying at this extraordinary level, or students have to sacrifice aspects of their social life and interests to keep up with the challenging curriculum. So if you still want to stick with this aspect of diversity, do some research on UChicago and discuss the extra cirriculars you think that you could take part in and link this to a diversification of interests.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 2, 2009   #9
LMAOOOO
yesss. yes, u are correct actually. the hospital is there for that. ><

okay here goes nada!

In my near future I'm hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people stay a little younger with botox, and giving hope to the disfigured. But before taking such a giant leap I must first take small steps toward reaching my goal, something I can do at University of Chicago. Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

...
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 2, 2009   #10
"Giant leap." "Baby steps." Omit these and all other trite phrases from this essay. Come up with your own way of saying what you mean to say rather than relying on cliched phrases. As others have said: This is Chicago. They are looking for creativity and brain power, neither of which are signaled by over-use of worn-out phrases.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 2, 2009   #11
This is Chicago. They are looking for creativity and brain power, neither of which are signaled by over-use of worn-out phrases.

^Quote of the day.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Aug 2, 2009   #12
In my near future I'm hope to ...

Let's take this apart one line at a time.

Line 1

- "In my near future" cut this, it won't do.
- "I'm hope" I hope*

Line 2

- "...younger with botox..." cut this, it won't do. Are you joking? How are you going to pigeonhole esteemed professions with layman depictions that you flip offhandedly?

Lines 3 and 4

- "But before taking such a giant leap I must first take small steps..." get real. Your vapid remarks disqualify you as a person of the echelon to be a surgeon, convincingly.

Scratch this essay. The only talking point worth keeping is diversity, which I'm not sure about, but I think essay aside they probably take into consideration when filling their student body.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 3, 2009   #13
okay, okay.
since, its an obvious agreement, i will scratch this essay, start anew.
thanks, b4 i utterly embarassed myself.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 5, 2009   #14
Your essay will be stronger for having gone through this feedback process, however hard it has been and will be.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 5, 2009   #15
now, i dont know where to start.
its been 3 days.
writer block?
can anyone give me some suggestions? im not dare asking that you write the essay, just some suggestions on starting. and please dont say "weve already given u" b.c. those only applied to the obviously bad essay i already wrote.

i mean suggestions on how to start.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 6, 2009   #16
i have to cut it down to 2 paragraphs,so please help with that and the flow please.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 6, 2009   #17
A born and bred New Yorker I have been exposed to great schools, people of all nationalities, and gradually safer streets. With such advantages, I thought I would not want to travel out of state for college since everything has already "came to me." My mind was changed when I discovered the University of Chicago.

^Hmmm, the born and bred New Yorker is good, but everything that follows is just so...ineffective.

Great research programs, paired [...] that do not look the same.

^The link between great research programs and being a plastic surgeon is not quite strong to be honest.
the second sentence, remove it.
how is attending talent shows a sign of cultural diversity?
Hmm, your last line is kind of strange. Overall, this paragraph is in need of some grammar tuning and some sentences and points need to be removed.

Although New York may not be the best example of a safe environment, like anyone else, safety is important to me.

^'like anyone else'? That needs to go. Or at least rephrased.

The University of Chicago Police Department does everything ...

^UChicago is next to Hyde Park. Hyde Park has a reputation for being a hub of crime. So it does require a lot of police attention, however that does not necessarily imply it is safe.

late night escort service?? ;)
How is UChicago the total package? You have not given this impression at all throughout your essay, yet this is your concluding line?

This essay, needs revision talia. Sorry, but it really does.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 6, 2009   #18
I KNOWW!!! this essay has been kicking my ass!! its soo hardd to writeee >.<
i hate ittttt :(

sighh. i cant find inspiration from anywhere. ive tried everythinggg. like walking away for days and coming back. its only like 2 paragraphs too and its still hardd

idk waht to doooo -.-

tal105: Having gone to a culturally diverse high school for the past four years-attending talent shows, and making friends of different races, and religions I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity.

how is attending talent shows a sign of cultural diversity?

i meant to write culture shows. not talent shows
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 7, 2009   #19
lol

I KNOWW!!! this essay has been kicking my ass!! its soo hardd to writeee >.<

^UChicago does ask some of the hardest essay questions, and expect some of the best essay answers in return. Even though this is the standard 'Why us' essay prompt, UChicago will expect to read valid reasons as to why you would want to study at such an academically intensive University in a city in which the cold weather tends to restrict all outdoor activities, therefore encouraging more of it's students to just stay in their dorms and study.

UChicago is not meant for everyone to be honest. If you still are really intent on possibly studying there, well then, try and make it show in your essay. Whilst that is hard to do, just keep that in mind ;)
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 7, 2009   #20
yea, i considered taking it off my list.
i just have all the other essays done. and there like perfect in my opinion and in my teachers opinion (well not perfect, but in my voice, and i cant post it here b.c. its on another site)

so it would have been a waste to do it all.

i will keep perfecting this and just hope for the best. :(


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