Please Help Me Edit, or give suggestions!!
The Propmt: How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago. ONE PARAGRAPH OR TWO
What is my desire for learning? I never really knew. Until now. College should be a place where I'll be prepared for the future, as society tells us. However, up until recently I never knew what made me like a college, what magic I feel when I think about attended a certain college. What it would feel like to say - "I go to ..." "The College" seems right, with students from every where, a place where knowledge is believed to enrich humanity and where ideas matter. I have lost my dreams and ideas, not out of lack of courage or strife, much too often because of the world's few evil people. University of Chicago gives me the hope I need to transform and thrive for my ideas and aspirations to become the Minister of Health of Nigeria, to increase awareness about sexual abuse in African countries. With U of C, I'll be able to "think critically", and have the guidance I need to fulfill these goals.
To me, it all fits at University of Chicago, the social life and academic life. However, what seems to catch my eyes more than anything during this strenuous college application process is U of C's diversity efforts and initiatives. As President of my school's multicultural and sexual orientations group (R.I.S.E & S.O.A.R- Reach out In Support of Ethnicity and Sexual Orientations Accepted and Respected) and a student from "The Global School", diversity and ethical vivacity is the second most important thing after awareness for human rights regarding physical abuse. When I learnt University of Chicago was a center for diversity I opened about 23 tabs, regarding diversity. From the International House to a curriculum filled with equality and diversity scheme, and even groups like WYSE, University of Chicago completes all I want in a college. As a young woman, who has spent most of her life in 3 different countries (U.S.A, U.K and Nigeria) and learning 5 different cultures (American, Nigerian, British, Indian, and French), I will be able to contribute to the Universities social and academic aspects, and join a "world-class education, world-class city" and a single experienced student.
I'll start off straight away.
What it would feel like to say - "I go to ..." "The College" seems right <--- this part is really confusing. Just a little tidier would be great.
Overall, there is one serious problem with your essay (sorry to sound a bit mean, but its a problem that needs to be fixed!).
You talk greatly about how you are going to contribute to the Universities social and academic aspects, and how you'll fit greatly with University of Chicago.
Frankly speaking, that ISNT the way to go. Answer the prompt. The prompt is, how does UChic satisfy your desire for learning community blah blah blah.
Do you REALLY answer the question? The question asks you "how does this uni fit for you?", not "how can you contribute to this uni?".
To be honest, I think it might be better to start the essay from scratch, and nail the question on the head (as i said to others on EF). If you nail the question down, hammering the essay is easy, and taking the nail out gets harder and harder. (i.e. if you start off answering the question right, you'll never go off track).
Some minor grammar mistakes can be fixed easily though.
You write really good, and make the readers want to continue to read it, which is a good thing. Hopefully you can do the same while answering the question :).
p.s. It is up to you whether to utilise or to ignore completely my feedbacks. :)
U must have done research about UC
So u can tell such specific things about the school
I hope u can achieve your dream
Thank You for your honest criticism!!
Ahnsik--z4evafoolz--I agree with you! I'm trying on how to do that, I thought I did by especially with the first paragraph if you cold re-read!!
I read your How did you get caught essay!! I really like it, well written!! I'l put mine up and I hope you can give me some feed back!
Good LUCK!! =]
Thanks zainob :)
I think you're talking about this part (when you say you did answer the question):
"With U of C, I'll be able to "think critically", and have the guidance I need to fulfill these goals."
I agree with you, you have answered the question, but try to make it more stand-out. Do the in-your-face advertising to the school!
"U of C will definitely satisfy my desire for a particular kind of learning since I'll be able to think critically and have the guidance I need to fulfill my goals."
Hopefully you get what Im saying about the in-your-face advertisement... You know, admission committee have to read a lotttt of essays and in-your-face is the only way to wake them up at 2 in the morning :).
I'll be more than happy to read your re-written (or modified) essay!! Looking forward to it :).
Again, it is up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :).
Ahnsik, you have been very, helpful with this essays! Probably the best help I have gotten regarding my essays?
Are you a senior or a transfer?
I'll work on the essays tonight, and put them up!!
I'm applying as an undergraduate too this fall 2010 :).
I'll be waiting for your essay!