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"When you desire something.." - prompt#1 the world ex. family, community or school



mrtnz22 1 / -  
Nov 4, 2009   #1
Dream and aspirations are shaped by the world surrounding you and people's teachings.
The world I come from is not out of the ordinary. I grew up in a small city named Arvin, although it's called a city it is small populated with around 20,000 inhabitants. It is surrounded by land fields and agriculture. My family and I have been living in Arvin for nearly fourteen years. We are a family of four; however I was raised only by my father in who I truly cherish.

The praises that I received were from my precise father whom growing up as a child was cruel, the reason for is that, in Mïxico adolescents were forced to work instead of going to school, even though he loved school and hoped he had stayed to finish, finishing school was not an option. Although his words were harsh and his childhood life was disturbing to hear, it was told every time to keep me motivated and focused. His meaningful words were, to get an education and be the first generation of my family to graduate from high school, and go on to college. My dreams as a little girl were different to those from now, being younger I would think more unrealistic, now that I'm growing into an adult my plans to my future are more on the reality side.

At this moment I'm in my last year of my high school and I plan to graduate from Arvin high and go on to college to purse my career as a Traveling nurse or a Registered Nurse and move up from that. The high school that I'm attending at this point is Arvin high which is located in Arvin. Its enrollment is about 2,568 students and it's a feeder of four middle schools.

Arvin high is one of the few high schools with a block schedule; a block schedule only has three periods per day and it is two hours long. That comes to a great advantage to those who attend it because it helps students interact better with the teachers and most importantly it prepares us for college.

From the help of my dad and coming from the community I come from has shaped every aspect of my dreams and aspirations, and those to come. Even though there are times I didn't like to hear the stories of my dad's past life, I thank him very much for drilling his words into my head. He has had a great influence on me and has shaped my dreams and aspirations, therefore his words will constantly replay, "When you desire something you'll achieve it".

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 6, 2009   #2
Dreams and aspirations are shaped by the world surrounding us, including people's teachings.

How about that? with "including"

I see a run-on sentence that I can fix with a semi-colon:
I grew up in a small city named Arvin; although...

...however, I was raised only by my father, whom I truly cherish. ----> You started the paragraph by taking about people's teachings, so write:

...however, I was raised only by my father , whose teachings I truly cherish.

Mention the word "teachings" again in the last paragraph, and this will be even better!!!

:-)


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