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"No In Between", "I want to be different" I prayed - College Essay

kennedymlhs 1 / 2 1  
Jan 12, 2015   #1
Hello fellow essay writers, my college deadlines are approaching quickly so i need some assistance putting some finishing touches in my essay. Any constructive criticism is considered very helpful to me. Thank you all so much for your time.

"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."

"I want to be different" I prayed. "I want to be someone who goes against the evil ways of the world and does what is right" is what I told myself every night before I went to bed. On the outside, I was just another normal high school student at Litchfield High School, but on the inside, I had something special.

What made me so special was not anything visible to the human eye, yet it was much more valuable than gold. It was not anything materialistic that people would dedicate their entire life trying to obtain, nor was it a physical possession that people would become filled with jealousy over. The gift that made me so different was a heavenly calling to separate myself from the immorality of the world and become a more consummate individual.

For some things in life, there is just no in between. This was the message that I had learned through my high school experiences. In my later years of high school, I knew I only had two options: I could either go along with the crowd, or I could take a stand and go against it and decide to follow what I knew what was right in my heart, there was simply no middle ground. I chose the latter since I was aware of the joy it would bring me later on in life.

Ever since my early years of High School, I truly witnessed the hypocrisy and superficiality of the world. A significant number of my peers were too concerned about their physical appearances and reputations that they became enslaved by their own pride. It frustrated me at times to witness how many of my peers could never obtain rest because they are too concerned about other peoples' opinions about them. Thankfully, I never had to think twice about what people thought about me because I lived before the face of my god, not before the face of my peers.

From that point on, I vowed to myself and to my god that I would be act separately from the ways of individuals who fell captive to their own lusts and desires. Every day, I took up a battle standing up for righteousness, in word and in deed. I roared like a lion when it came to standing up for the truth, and I was silent like a lamb when it came to swallowing my own pride. While I may have lost respect from my peers, I gained much more from my master in heaven.

My decision certainly came with a price since I often felt lonely at times and distant from other individuals. However, I knew that a soldier cannot remain in his comfort zone if he ever wants to win the war. Therefore, I was constantly going against my own will and waging war against the immorality of the world, no matter how relentless and powerful my adversary was. I was not fighting against flesh and blood, but I was battling against the spirits of the time and the wicked corruption of the world.

As time went on, I sensed a continuing joy in my heart that I never would have experienced if I decided to "fit in" with the crowd. If I did not decide to be different from everyone else, I would not have learned so much about the integrity of standing up for what one believes in, no matter what other people might think. But above all else, I never would have obtained an eternal joy that few people in the world have experienced. While my decision was painful and arduous at times, I'm thankful for the tribulation that I experienced for it helped me to discover who I truly am.
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Jan 12, 2015   #2
So, basically what you are saying here is that everyone else is un-pure and dirty. You are the only righteous person on earth and in order to stay pure, you need to separate yourself from everyone else. This is the most contrived essay I have read this cycle. Just trying way too hard. College is about exploring and growth. What you talk about here is everything but. You can maintain your morals without putting yourself in a corner. - Admissions Advice Online
OP kennedymlhs 1 / 2 1  
Jan 12, 2015   #3
thanks for your input! i'm very aware that my essay sounds condescending and pretentious. Any suggestions as to how i can fix it? what paragraphs should i take out or what do i need to put in?

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