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"a very diversified lifestyle" - Stanford's "Letter to roommate"


viettran92 4 / 8  
Dec 18, 2009   #1
Still about Stanford prompt No.2 I try to write another one.

"I'd like an honest and flexible roommate who respects my privacy. But he has to be also fun and easy to hang out with."

Well, my future roommate, in that case, you have found the right person.

People like honesty like bees like honey. But to me, honesty is only the second on my list of admirable traits. The first one is flexibility. This sounds strange, but I like people who adapt, who can change and admit their mistakes, people who don't just toss out their philosophy and do everything to stick with it. I like people who sit down and discuss, who don't insist on using the bathroom every Monday at 6 am. Those people are ground for great companionship and understanding.

I can pretty much get along with anything. High-tech addicts, history lovers or music experts are all my friends. I find great happiness from getting to know and befriend with people at places I visited, from a new Starbuck at the local mall to a small uptown Big Boy restaurant. Meanwhile, my field of conversation can range from Obama's latest package to vacation plans to Utah.

Despite my cursive handwriting and my style which people consider "florid", I worship simpleness and concision. I hate promotions with complicated steps and novels with unperceivable openings. I love to make charts and tables for my economic groups and do book-keep for my uncle's grocery store.

I lead a very diversified lifestyle. I love try-outs and putting myself into new challenges, from the pain of Airsoft to the dizziness coming from parachuting. I also try to write about everything, from movie review to sport analysis, which sadly didn't get mush good report Facebook. I love group projects, even though sometimes it might turn into an one-man work.

Lastly, just a head-up, I like instrumental music, so if it somehow depresses you, tell me to turn it off.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 18, 2009   #2
Good job overall!

People like honesty as bees like honey.

...or "the same as" Better yet "People are drawn to honesty like bees to
honey."

toss out their philosophy

"Toss out" would work better for people who abandon their philosophy. How about "people who hold rigidly to their philosophy despite clear evidence of its fallacy."

who don't insist on using the bathroom every Monday at 6 am.

<teehee...I hate when that happens! :)

Those people are grounddid you mean to say "bound" ?? for great companionship and understanding.

even if you said "grounds" it sounds strange because 'grounds' is more like a 'reason' in this context. Hmmm.

I can pretty much get along with anyone

High-tech addicts, history lovers orand music experts are all my friends.

I find great happiness fromin getting to know and befriend with people at places I visited , from a the new Starbucks at the local mall, to a small, uptown, Big Boy restaurant.

Is there such a thing as a small, uptown, Big-Boy's restaurant?? Perhaps you meant to say, "small-town Big Boy's..."

These are minor issues. I hope this helps! I will be back tomorrow to see what you think and address the last part of your essay.

Blue skies,

Jeannie
daisyx3 4 / 17  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
I like that you incorporate the different sides of your personality into your essay. This paints a good picture of you to the Office of Admissions.
jimmjacks12 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2009   #4
I really like how you talk about both good and bad or at least both sides of yourself. It paints a good picture of yourself. My only advice would be to find a different structure than " I... " for some of your sentences.
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 21, 2009   #5
"People like honesty like bees like honey."
Like Jeannie has already mentioned, this is a rather awkward structure- three "like"s in one sentence is a few too many! Personally, I think this simile is pretty unnecessary- bees don't really relate to any other part of your essay, after all, and it's weird that you throw them in here. You could just say "Honesty is a trait that most people respect", or something like that.

"The first one is flexibility. This sounds strange, but I like people who adapt"
If you're saying that "flexibility" is one of your traits, then it would be better to discuss your own flexibility- not other people's. For example, talk about a situation where you had to adjust your habits or routine to accomodate someone else.

"I worship simpleness and concision."
First of all, "simpleness" is not a word. The noun form of "simple" is "simplicity." Also, although "concision" is a word, most people would say "conciseness" instead of "concision"- I don't, I suppose it's more a matter of personal preference, but "concision" makes me think of incisions.

" I lead a very diversified lifestyle."
It would be better to say either "I lead a very diverse lifestyle", or "My lifestyle is highly diversified."

"from the pain of Airsoft to the dizziness coming from parachuting."
"Dizziness coming from parachuting" should be "dizziness that comes from parachuting."

Lastly, I would recommend that you find a better concluding sentence for your essay. Try to wrap all of the aspects of your personality together as a way of summing up the disparate traits you mentioned earlier.


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