virtually all of stanford's undergraduates live on campus. write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better
This is my essay for the Stanford application, Please be as critical as possible because I need all the help I can get. Thanks!
Hola!
Me llamo Jaqueline! Don't worry, although my first language is Spanish, I am also fluent in English.You can call me Jackii for short, and YES Jackii with double i. Why? Because I want my name to be different from the rest of the Jackie's and Jacky's out there. We are both going to enter the university together so I hope we can grow a friendship that will last a lifetime since you will be the closest person I will have. Just like family is always there for each other no matter the circumstances, I hope our friendship becomes as close as family. Let me start telling you a little bit about myself...
I love my Hispanic heritage so you will surely have a feel of my culture by the food I make. Lucky you, you will get to taste my famous pupusas that all my friends enjoy eating. In a Psychology course I took, I learned that first impressions are important. I am a little bit of everything. I like to dress in pink and wear my Uggs but I also like wearing black with my combat boots. I enjoy listening to Beyonce as well as I enjoy listening to The Beatles. I hate stereotypes and believe everyone is different. Some people stereotype me as "stuck-up" because I'm a cheerleader, a "nerd" because I get straight A's , a "goodie-two-shoes" because I'm never mean to anybody and a "church girl" because I attend church three days a week. If you ask anybody at my school who I am, they may describe me as all of those things but none of them know who I really am because am discreet. I only confide in people that show me that they genuinely care about me and show me their trust
"Living each day to the fullest" is something I live up to. You will never know when I am sad because I replace sadness with happiness. I don't like to waste time doing nothing when I can do something. If I have nothing to do, you bet I'll find something to spend my time on. I treasure each second of my life and live for my present and future.
I believe in equality and fairness. I have been taught to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Never will you hear me say something foul or do something that will make me look bad. I am very down to earth. Yes, I love being independent and alone but I'm not anti-social; I love spending time with my friends.
You will see that I like to keep everything organized and clean. Candles are an essential for my room as they contribute to the peaceful aroma and atmosphere I love. I also love flowers and having them adds a touch of joy to my room. As you look around the room you will see many picture frames in different colors and sizes with pictures that I took of my family. I am the oldest of three children so having pictures of my younger brother and sister will help me reconcile the pain I have for leaving after taking care of them for so many years. Family is the most important thing I have. If I had to choose between going to the beach with my family or going to the beach with my friends I would definitely choose my family. Taking pictures is one of my hobbies, I especially like having pictures of my loved ones so I can be reminded of the memories I have with them and remember that they are my drive toward success. My Catholic religion is important to me. A picture of Jesus next to my bed is a need; I cannot feel at ease without his picture and like to pray every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep.
After telling you about me, I hope you don't think I want everything to be my way. I am very open to different ideas and will compromise with you. One of my favorite mottos is "opposites attract". I love learning new things therefore feel free to be yourself around me. I'm very excited to meet you!
Sincerely,
Jackii
In case you didn't know, the word limit for this is 250 words. You need to break this down. Since you talk the most about your heritage and your family, I think that you should focus more on those things. It just seems like you care more about them and it would still give a good picture of who you are and where you come from.
The essay is kind of disorganized and it doesn't flow very well. You jump from one subject to the next without much transition. A lot of it just seems like you are rambling. Nevertheless, the first paragraph is a good start. If you just build this essay around your family and heritage, you will be alright. Just remember that although this is "a letter to your roommate", it will actually be read by admissions officers.
Good luck!
...learned that first impressions are important because of (Add explanation. Everyone knows first impressions are important, so add a few words to make this a meaningful thing to say. Add an explanation about why it is important.
Start a new paragraph:
I am a little bit of everything. I like to dress in pink and
You are awesome. Your rommate will be lucky to be around someone as smart and energetic as you. I think you should ask your friends or essayforum members which are their favorite sentences in this essay. Keep their 10 favorite sentences, and with the rest you can try to cut some content and focus on one theme that you want the reader to remember. The purpose is NOT actually to tell all about yourself. Your purpose is to show the reader that you are planning ahead and being proactive about your studies -- a really deserving scholar.
:-)
