This is for the common application its very short, I want it to be sweet but short. Please help!!
I walked into the room, I was hesitant to go to the meeting with my friend who finally convinced me. It was Diversity Club. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people. I sat down in the circle they had created out of stools. We began the discussion with our president, each person ...
Its very short please do as much editing as possible please give me great tips this is for the University of Michigan :D
Well first off you should be more descriptive. For example, when you walked into the room and noticed the diversity of people, how did you feel? were you happy? Scared?Excited?
You should revise your first sentence. Maybe to something like this: Standing outside of the Diversity Club room, I was hesitant to go in because.... I have always been terrified of trying something new, (if this is the kind of person you are)my friend(your friend's name)finally convinced me to enter.
I already am at 150 words I dont what I should take out or what I shoudl change to include those things :/
I agree with tiger13win on trying to be more descriptive - it does seem plain. Maybe discuss something that you (or the members of the club in general) accomplished within the club?
I think you need more details to support that the people were diverse and like a family, and why "Since that day I knew I had to come back"
Maybe you can delete the following sentence I sat down in the circle they had created out of stools.
Standing outside of the Diversity Club room, I was hesitant to go in because I have always been terrified of trying something new, my friend, Haneen, finally convinced me to enter. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people. We began the discussion with our president, each person went around the circle talking about how they had been discriminated against. It was amazing to hear all these stories people had. I never realized that there was such diversity at our school and this club brought everyone together. With this club we do as much as we can to fight against stereotype. Since that first day I knew I had to come back. That day I knew I had to be part of this family.
I did some editing please help you guys are giving a lot of suggestions but I dont know how to change it so it works. :(
because I have always been terrified of trying something new. M y friend, Haneen, finally convinced me to enter. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people (can you say this in a more specific or descriptive way?)
Since that first day I knew I had to come back. That day I knew I had to be part of this family. At the end here, I think you can do anything you want to do with the reader's attention. Think of what you want to make the reader know about you... Instead of saying you knew you had to come back, you can say something about an insight you gained about cultural differences and similarities.
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Standing outside of the Diversity Club room, I was hesitant ...
I dont know if this is any better. Your welcome for revising peoples essay I am going to do it more to maybe get more feedback on mine! Only one person checked a very important essay :( Tell me how you feel abotu this!
... different kinds of people everyone was there, Capitalize--> asians, ...
.. talking about how they hadhave been discriminated against.
With this club , we do as much as ...
Throughout the manynumerous meetings that I went through after that dayattended, I learned so much ...
There's something about that first sentence that just rubs me off wrong. I think it could be reworded. To something like..."As I anxiously waited outside the Diversity Club Room, I had no idea what to expect". I have always been afraid of new things. Until,...
After reading this, the club realy impressed me, but not you. Maybe you can revise it more related to yourself.
you think: diversity is good but you doesnt answer why in a heartfelt manner.
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