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"Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University?



cmariew 1 / 1  
Sep 16, 2010   #1
I would like to attend Ohio State University because it has been a dream of mine as well as a planned commitment that I have been waiting for all my life. I have a passion for the Ohio State football team; I am in awe of the amazing program Ohio State has developed. The experiences my mother and her best friend had will last them a lifetime. Ohio State University has the ability to help shape me into a successful pre-med student, a graduate as well as a future physician.

When I was a younger person, developing into a young adult, Ohio State football had been something I LOVED. I dedicate every Saturday during football season to watch the game. I always dress in the famous scarlet and gray with face paint and waving pom poms everywhere, cheering the Ohio State Buckeyes to victory. I am waiting for my chance to be there, in the stands apart of the Buckeye nation family.

I love sitting at home with my mom and her best friend listening to them talk about their university days. My mother majored in criminology and her friend studied to become a registered nurse. They have had the most outrageous experiences, experiences that have made them who they are today. My mom would always tell me how hard the classes were and how she was put on academic probation. I listened as she talked about the frat parties and the all-nighters. Cramming for an 8 am exam, trying to get all the knowledge in before it was too late. I learned a lot from her experiences. Going to college isn't just about the parties, and staying up all night. It's about sitting in a classroom full of other students and one professor, giving lecture after lecture and you being able to listen, learn and take notes. Her best friend would always talk to me about the BIG Saturday games and how hype everyone in the stands were. She described the feeling of the vibration beneath your feet. Just looking around seeing everything drenched in that beautiful scarlet and subtle gray. She talked about the dorms and how there was always something going on. They both talked about all the different kinds of people, cultures, and religions.

Ohio State has the ability to help shape me, and give me the confidence I need to do my best, achieve things I never thought were possible. Ohio State fits me personally and will give me what I need to succeed in life. Ohio State will push me to be all I can be. I want to be able to experience the AED (Alpha Epsilon Delta) Club. Meet all the speakers and to just learn a little bit of everything. Science isn't really my forte, but I will build a solid science foundation of classes. All of these classes and more will prepare me for the most important test of my life. The MCAT (Medical College Admission Test) this is the one thing that will determine weather or not I make it into medical school.

Through the years of me being a child and developing into a young adult. Saturday football, listening to the different experiences, I realized I want to be apart of it all. I want to be able to tell my children about my crazy experiences at a school that is known for its people, excellence, and tradition. I am looking for a university that is right for me. Ohio State is that University.

mea505 - / 265  
Sep 16, 2010   #2
Christina,

That looks a lot better. Now -- does Ohio State University have a Medical School? Or is it just a pre-med? If it's just pre-med that you are going to study there, then Ohio State cannot "help you become a physician." It can only help you get through pre-med.

I didn't go through the entire essay the first time, slashing out lines and adding lines, as I explained before. However, have you tired developing an outline first before you started to write? Also, you will really benefit if you "think" about what you are writing before you write it. I will show you what I mean:

Thank you very much ! i no I know about all the fragments and believe me in not to I'm no too good when it comes to grammer grammar in writing. the The essay also cant cannot (or can't) exceed 300 words so im I'm trying to cut it down about 200. it It has around 586 i believe.

That's just your sentence before you began to re-write the essay. Think about writing...think what you are going to say -- "I Know," as opposed to "I no," .... and, you really need to get into the habit of capitalizing your I's and the first letter in your sentences. OK?

Mark
OP cmariew 1 / 1  
Sep 16, 2010   #3
Yes I know. The program I was used to edit my essay and to use spell check, it made all my I's lowercase. I did have a outline and it went something like this.

paragraph one(introduction) : All the reasons why I want to attend OSU summed up.
paragraph two(body) : My love for the football team.
paragraph three(body) : Experiences I heard about and learned from.
paragraph four(body) : How osu can really help me .
paragraph five(conclusion) Restating the introduction.

Ohio State does have a medical school and I do plan on attending it also.
I do think when it comes to writing for school or work. When im just typing on the computer im not really worried about to much grammar.

Thank you for your honestly though :)
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 16, 2010   #4
Christina,

OK -- if you write like that when you are just getting things going, then I see what you are doing. Believe me, I didn't intend to say anything different. I was not sure what you were doing, that's all. I think that you have the workings of a very good essay here -- keep it up -- and believe me when I tell you that every time you re-write it, it will get better and better, and this is true for all writers, not just you or me.

Your outline seems to be a good one.

I was not certain as to whether OSU had a medical school, which is why I asked. I wish you all the luck in the world! I know for a fact that practicing medicine can be extremely rewarding!

Thanks for your patience.

Mark
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 19, 2010   #5
I would like to attend Ohio State University because it has been a dream of mine as well as a planned commitment that I have been waiting for all my life.

You can impress them with your grammar if you do this:
I would like to attend Ohio State University because it has been a dream of mine as well as a planned commitment for which I have been waiting all my life.----- this is not necessary, though! The way you wrote it was okay, and only staunch grammarians would complain about it... :-)

I have a passion for the Ohio State football team; I am in awe of the amazing program Ohio State has developed. --- I don't want to read about these things yet.. not in the second sentence. It is better to give an intro that tells the main ideas your essay will cover. Then dedicate a para to talking about football, a para talking about your mom, a para talking about your academic interests, and so forth.

One para = one idea.

Really, though, I think it might be best to only mention football and your mom's experience briefly, and concentrate on writing about why this school will be best for your particular interests in medicine... tell about the philosophy of the school and your philosophy of medicine, and how they are related. That would be cool!!


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