Hi I need to write a personal statement, but I'm having a lot of trouble starting my essay.
Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.
I want to be a doctor, I chose penn state because of all the great programs they have. I have a ged so me getting in a good college is slim to none, but at penn state they have small campuses that are not that competitive to get into.
I don't know what to write about I want a topic thats just going to jump off the page.
I did volunteer work at a local hospital; should i write about that and say thats why i chose to be a doctor or should I write about me getting a ged (which is no real big difference from everyone else that got one)
can someone please help me?
Personally, I think that the GED might help you jump off of the page -- especially at Penn State. They probably see a lot of kids who volunteer at hospitals, but not as many applicants with GEDs. If you are comfortable with the topic, you could talk about why you went the GED path instead of the traditional diploma and how you feel you controlled/conquered the obstacles you faced the first time. Show them that you are ready and capable of completing a more traditional college program.
Hmmm... I do think that the GED can help rather than hurt you, but perhaps not in response to this question... unless the reason for your GED is related to economic circumstance, in which you can argue that this has helped you to see why more people of your economic class need to be allowed into the privileged class of physicians.
I'm thinking, though, for this question, that you're best off sticking to a story that has direct relevance to wanting to be a doctor. This might or might not come from your volunteer experiences. Think hard: Why do you want to be a doctor? It's real feelings, rather than contrived stories, that jump off the page.
Thank you so much for your help, maybe I could try to combined it and talk about my reasons for wanting to be a doctor, but got thrown off track thats when i got my ged, learning from my experience I more so value the importance of getting a degree and becoming a doctor.
I tried to combine the two can you tell me if this sound ok
^Is that an essay question, or a personal statement.
If you are writing for the latter, then I suggest you focus more on why you want to study medicine and talk about yourself and your interest in the subject. You can also discuss your extra cirriculars and how these have developed a set of skills that can help you focus on medicine. You can perhaps even prove your interest in medicine, and how you feel the need to develop your interest through studies...
In regards to your grammar, most of the time, the commas can be replaced with a full stop.
I have to write a personal statement that cant be more the 1200 spaces and words so I'm really just trying to make something short.
i tried to focus more on me n my dream
Hi Michele. I am currently applying to medical school too :), so I share your concerns, stress, and excitement :). Personally, I have a problem answering secondary questions directly, and I see that this is perhaps also one of your problems. Though I like the story with your grandma, you present yourself in such a "negative" manner through words like underdog. Also, you should really share in your essay why is it that you want to become a doctor, what experience led you to this pursuit besides your grandmother's death. Just focus on the content, and re-post here so I can try to help you with your grammar.
Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.
If you have any volunteer experience at a hospital, you should write about this.
Or you can write about your tough upbringing and struggles, and what you've learned from facing these challenges, and how that can help you during your medical experience at Penn. :).. Last thing, be confident at your chance of getting into Penn. You'll write better with confidence :)
K, I will try and cut it down. I personally think that as, a personal statement, it needs something a bit more. That is my opinion, see what Sean or Simone have to say as they are more knowledgeable when it comes to this stuff.
anyways, here goes:
Growing up I always had a close bond with my grandmother, in a immature way I looked at life with her always being there. If she was sick, I was the one that helped her get better. From childhood I knew what I was to become; You guessed it,, a Doctor. I did volunteer work at local hospitals helping patents and getting hands on experience
I did volunteer work at local hospitals and helped patients.
**I presume you helped patients, rather than patents :P
Anyways, it is kind of implied that you got hand on experience through your work experience. You do not need to state the obvious, that is why I removed that fraction of the sentence.
Being a volunteer, you are only allowed to do so much but I wanted to do more.I don't know what kind of doctor I want to be, but
*Here, include a short sentence about how you become interested in medicine.
I want to be able to have the knowledge to cure the sick, To make people as comfortable as possible during there time here on earth .
^Doctors do not make people comfortable. They may, but their job is to save lives. Not make people comfortable.
I envision myself running in and out of the er and making compliance about my long shifts, scrubbing my hands and using medical terms that I learned from watching reruns of House, a television show about doctors. It's a dream that I had for a long time.
^You dreamt..about a teleivision show about doctors. Probs not, but that is what it gramatically sounds like. You do not really need either of these sentenes to be honest.
The day my grandmother died, I was lost and it felt like everything I had, was gone. I let her and myself down. I wanted to give up but I just could not, I knew how much she wanted me to purse my dreams and. if I gave up I would be disappointing her and myself. I value my education and make getting a degree my number one priority . Becoming a doctor, is a way for me to help people like my grandmother, people that can't help theirm selves. It is a way for me to become a inspiration toI can inspire others who found there selves in situations like myselfthemselves in situations similar to mine . I feel at Penn State , I can work myself to be at the top. I feel there, I can pursue to be the best that I can be and help as many people as I can.
^Help people at Penn State, or people who need medical assistance?
I personally think that as a personal statement, this does not come off as too strong. I mentioned earlier, that you should focus about what is so interesting about medicine, and why you want to reallly study it. That is my opinion. Pay attention to what the Moderators, such as Simone and Sean, will say. Good luck anyways x
I personally think that as, a personal statement, it needs something a bit more.
Liebe is quite right. You had a nice grandmother. You wanted to be a doctor. You lost your grandmother. You continued to want to be a doctor. So, nothing really changed, even though you try to make it sound like it did.
Worse, the experience you have picked to answer the prompt is the loss of your grandmother, and yet the reader cannot picture her, or understand why you were close to her. You don't give any specific details or anecdotes about you and her that would demonstrate this closeness.
Finally, how her death inspired you exactly is unclear, as is the experience's logical connection to your desire to attend Penn State, specifically.
So, to revise this essay, you need to rewrite it including many, many more specific details so that what was special to you about your grandmother comes shining through, and so that we can see how your loss of her inspired you.
I didnt want to get this personal but here it goes (its close to 1600 words, its a 1200 limit can you help me edit out)
Wow! Now that's a much stronger, more moving essay than your first one. I can see how it might have been difficult for you to write, but you can be glad you did, as it just so much more powerful.
Now, for that pesky grammar.
Thank you so much. I agree it sound so much better now.
I fix the grammar. but it's still 1532 words and spaces. I have to take some sentences out to make it 1200... Which sentences should I take out?
Okay, THAT essay would make me want to take a chance on you! I know that it is hard to get personal, but they are really going to need to see you in a personal way because the GED doesn't fit the mold of the typical applicant. Even though this essay is short, it is powerful. It shows that you are a young woman who has not had breaks in life but is motivated to succeed.
You talk about a WORD count . . . did you mean CHARACTER count? You have about 300 words right now, but 1,600 characters. Sean's revisions would take your character count down significantly. In fact, Sean's revisions leave it at 1230 characters. It wouldn't be too hard to pare it down a little more if need be.
There are just two more minor grammar adjustments I would make. I like hyphens. Hyphens are one of my favorite types of punctuation. Here's where I'd use them:
single-family home
two-bedroom apartment
hands-on experience
And one more fix . . . "a elementary diploma" . . . I'd change this to "an elementary education." You don't want to assign any weight to her experience by calling it a diploma and the article (an) flows better.
Wishing you the best!
Thank you for all your help Notoman. I apologize it is characters that they want, above is in Sean's revision but it is still 1500 characters. So i need to cut it down a bit more. Thank you for the pointers, I do agree and I will add it into my Statement.
This version is 1187 characters according to my word processor. It also has a few more minor grammatical fixes in it:
I like the sentence about your mom working hard and only having an elementary education. I think that it provides powerful background information about your family situation.
I'd rather see something else get cut.
Here's another version. It comes in at just under 1200 character (with spaces, which I am still not convinced count . . . one of my word-processing programs doesn't even give the option of counting the spaces). I am not completely happy with it, but it lets you keep more of that biographical information that paints a more complete picture of your upbringing:
...
Wow. I am always amazed anew at how collective effort can lead to truly powerful writing that still expresses the author's intention and personality. Everybody deserves congratulations on this one.
Notoman I am going to use your revision, I really like it. Thanks so much you really help me out alot. I agree with Simone, with all of you'll help it came out to be a great piece.
I really do want to get in penn state but I have my ged and I know they are not that fast to accept someone with that, but I feel if I have a powerful essay it will better my chances of getting in.
Thanks to everyone, you guyes really help me out alot. I feel real confident with this essay and I could not have done it without all of you'll help. :*)
If you have the room, I'd make one more small fix:
"My mother always cautioned him that "if you live by the sword, you die by the sword," but she could never have been prepared for the day it almost came true."
I don't know how many characters you have to play with, as my word processor apparently ignores spaces, but the revised sentence flows better and, with the addition of "almost," is more accurate, too.
I was able to add "almost" by taking out lab, so now its angels in white coats. That put it right at 1198 lol
Excellent. Well, you have a a really strong essay you can be proud of. Good luck with your application.
Hopefully I can write essays like that in the future!
I agree your new essay is much more meaningful then what you started with
I grew up an only girl with seven brothers in a single family home with my mother. We lived in a two bedroom apartment located in East New York, in a section of Brooklyn that had the highest crime rate in New York. My mother worked hard, but with just an elementary education, she never made enough money to move us out. Despite my mother's disapproval, my oldest brother took the role as the man of the house, dropping out of school to sell drugs. My mother always cautioned him that "if you live by the sword, you die by the sword" but she could never have been prepared for the day it came true.
I remember my oldest brother stumbling into the house, with his clothes soaked in blood, barely able to stand or breathe. He had been stabbed, and he was crying that his stomach was falling out. I was just ten years old I did not know what to do: I just stood there crying and asking God not to take him away.
The doctors at Brook-Dale Hospital gave my brother a second chance at life. They are angels in their white coats, saving people every day. On the day we picked up my brother from the hospital, I knew I wanted to be a doctor, too. Since then, I have volunteered at local hospitals in preparation. I want to have the knowledge to cure the sick and make a difference in people's lives. In becoming a doctor I will inspire others who grew up in situations similar to mine. At Penn State, I can work to be the best that I can be and to help as many sick people as I can.
this essay is amazingg.
good job! kudos.!!!
i really hope you get in! it comes from within dude. ull def. get in.
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