I'm a internatinal applicant,so I really need your help 'cause I'm not proficient in English.
Here's my main essay.It seems to be a little cliched and common but I dont know how to do with it.
So I really need your advice.
Many thanks!!!!
Dream of a Young Tree
"What opportunities can Shanghai Expo bring to China?" At an interview for a Model United Nations conference, I asked the girl named Yue on the platform, who was occasionally trembling with stress. So I smiled at her, trying to elevate her confidence. "More foreigners will come to the Shanghai Expo, bringing opportunities here..." She simply mumbled one sentence, followed by a deeper silence. Suddenly, Yue held her head down, with her shoulders shivering, which was unexpected by me. After whispering the case to another interviewer, I let the girl to go outside with me.
I delivered a napkin to her, attempting to soothe her. After a few minutes of taciturnity, she said, "Thank you very much. I understand that I did terribly since I dare not speak to others. But I had vacillated for a few days and finally determined to give myself an opportunity to speak. Actually,I'm...I'm suffering from autism."
The incident revived my memory a year ago when I entered the high school. I was then so timid that I rarely made public speeches. However, I admired those who could deliver a speech fluently, whose confidence, charisma and passion impressed me profoundly. Later, the propaganda notice for the Model UN pasted on the bulletin board offered me a prospect of changing myself. The stimulating words on the background of a young tree instilled the courage in me to sign up for it. For preparing my first MUN conference, I made up my mind to make a change. Every night, I climbed up to 7th floor to practice English speeches at the rooftop of the teaching buiding. With nobody nearby, I dared to amplify my voice. At that precise moment, I amazingly discovered that my voice was euphonious only with enthusiasm and confidence. Gradually, I could even hear my voice echoed off the opposite buiding,which made me thrilled. Finally, when I successfully delivered my first speech at MUN conference with determination, I saw the affirmation in the directors' eyes. Looking back now, I recognize that I am no longer the timid girl I once was. The top of the mountain that I once thought unapproachable was now under my feet.
As I saw the girl, Yue, I was aware of the transformation I had undergone. At that instant, I determined to aid Yue with autism. In the past six months, I frequently made calls and sent emails to Yue. She had grumbled to me about the perplexity with communication, elaborated about her successful debut speech in the dormitory, and finally described her friendship with her peers jauntily. In the blink of an eye, I became the president of MUN2011. Among all the new faces in the hall, I spotted Yue with a shiny smile on her face. During the conference, she took the initiative to motion and speak. Although her performance was not impeccable, Yue was undeniably confident and unperturbed.
After the conference, I wandered to the bulletin board unknowingly. Peering at the notice of MUN2011, I sensed that something had changed. It was the young tree once small and frail that is now flourishing. MUN is the tree that directed me when I lost my way. I believe that I will also grow into a tree, leading others to the correct direction and injecting strengths into them.
Here's my main essay.It seems to be a little cliched and common but I dont know how to do with it.
So I really need your advice.
Many thanks!!!!
Dream of a Young Tree
"What opportunities can Shanghai Expo bring to China?" At an interview for a Model United Nations conference, I asked the girl named Yue on the platform, who was occasionally trembling with stress. So I smiled at her, trying to elevate her confidence. "More foreigners will come to the Shanghai Expo, bringing opportunities here..." She simply mumbled one sentence, followed by a deeper silence. Suddenly, Yue held her head down, with her shoulders shivering, which was unexpected by me. After whispering the case to another interviewer, I let the girl to go outside with me.
I delivered a napkin to her, attempting to soothe her. After a few minutes of taciturnity, she said, "Thank you very much. I understand that I did terribly since I dare not speak to others. But I had vacillated for a few days and finally determined to give myself an opportunity to speak. Actually,I'm...I'm suffering from autism."
The incident revived my memory a year ago when I entered the high school. I was then so timid that I rarely made public speeches. However, I admired those who could deliver a speech fluently, whose confidence, charisma and passion impressed me profoundly. Later, the propaganda notice for the Model UN pasted on the bulletin board offered me a prospect of changing myself. The stimulating words on the background of a young tree instilled the courage in me to sign up for it. For preparing my first MUN conference, I made up my mind to make a change. Every night, I climbed up to 7th floor to practice English speeches at the rooftop of the teaching buiding. With nobody nearby, I dared to amplify my voice. At that precise moment, I amazingly discovered that my voice was euphonious only with enthusiasm and confidence. Gradually, I could even hear my voice echoed off the opposite buiding,which made me thrilled. Finally, when I successfully delivered my first speech at MUN conference with determination, I saw the affirmation in the directors' eyes. Looking back now, I recognize that I am no longer the timid girl I once was. The top of the mountain that I once thought unapproachable was now under my feet.
As I saw the girl, Yue, I was aware of the transformation I had undergone. At that instant, I determined to aid Yue with autism. In the past six months, I frequently made calls and sent emails to Yue. She had grumbled to me about the perplexity with communication, elaborated about her successful debut speech in the dormitory, and finally described her friendship with her peers jauntily. In the blink of an eye, I became the president of MUN2011. Among all the new faces in the hall, I spotted Yue with a shiny smile on her face. During the conference, she took the initiative to motion and speak. Although her performance was not impeccable, Yue was undeniably confident and unperturbed.
After the conference, I wandered to the bulletin board unknowingly. Peering at the notice of MUN2011, I sensed that something had changed. It was the young tree once small and frail that is now flourishing. MUN is the tree that directed me when I lost my way. I believe that I will also grow into a tree, leading others to the correct direction and injecting strengths into them.