Dear All,
My name is Hongshi Zhong from Chongqing, China and I am going to apply for the top 50 American universities this fall. The following is my common App essay. I really need your suggestion on the grammar, structure and etc.
Your help will be greatly appreciated!
Thank you!
Hongshi Zhong
"Yes, I made it!" I screamed and jumped out of my bed. At 6 AM, barely awake, I opened the E-mail on my iPad: "Dear Hongshi, Congratulations! You have been admitted to our 2011 Chongqing Volunteer Program."
"Am I dreaming? I still could not believe it." For over 1000 days! I had been waiting for their approval. "No, it's true!" I jumped at the opportunity after double-checking the information.
It was a long-distance program in Guizhou Province's rural area, 392 miles from my hometown Chongqing. My task was to serve as a volunteer delivering donation to Rongdu Primary School. To help the needed-this was my dream. This time, I finally made it. I was so eager to learn the living conditions in this poverty-stricken area and the school life of those children who would receive our donations.
On my way to their school, I released my imagination to picture their classrooms: Dilapidated blackboard? Old and shakable desks? Chairs with broken legs? However, I could not believe what I saw when I arrived: computers and projecting apparatus-their classrooms were equipped with multimedia facilities. "Did we go to the wrong place?" I started to doubt whether this school really needed our help.
My doubt was then proven wrong when we walked into the children's homes. The shelters they called "homes" looked like stone caves. Because of poverty, they had no electricity, no gap water, and no sufficient food. Worse still, after talking with the kids, I realized that none of them had dreams and they all felt pessimistic about futures.
After leaving their caves, I started to ponder over the significance of my job here. "Did we successfully provide with them what they really need? Should I just give them the donations and then go back?" No, absolutely not! I convinced myself to do more. It was comparatively easy for us to offer material support like donations, and the society had been doing this for quite a long time. However, few people noticed those children had to suspend their school due to lack of teacher-they all refused to teach in such an impoverished area. So, what the students really needed, I believe, was education and spiritual support. They needed someone to care about them, to teach them knowledge and to help them build up dreams.
The day when our "mission" ended, I made a decision I am now still proud of--I stayed, instead of leaving like other volunteers. Since my motivation here was to offer help, it was my responsibility to find out their demand and serve for them. Therefore, during the rest of the summer, I tried every opportunity to teach the children creatively and enrich their school life. To enhance their academic knowledge, I taught them courses like math, English and sciences. To help them to learn how to build up their dreams and fight for a better life, I accompanied the kids to watch inspirational movies such as The Pursuit of Happyness, and Braveheart, using their multimedia facilities. Gradually, the kids not only made obvious progress in their academics, but became optimistic about future life. Before leaving, I hold back my tears and promised them that I would go back to teach them again.
Fighting for the truth, I successfully explored the children's needs and did something great to them. Leaving with no regrets, I made my first voluntary experience meaningful and valuable. With passion and interest, I will do more to improve the quality of voluntary work in China.
the grammar, structure and etc.
392 miles from my hometown, Chongqing
To help the neededneedy people
On my way to theirthe/that school,
I saw when I arrived at the school
After leaving their caves,
I think it is not appropriate to call their homes as "caves". I think you should replace the word "caves" with "poor/humble homes"
