My drive to always learn something new and be the best version of myself that I can be; UBC essay

UBC Personal Profile

So the prompt is: Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

My response:
Since I was very young, I've had a fascination for the natural world. As a ten year old, I was enthralled by the prehistoric world and the reptilian behemoths that lived in those eras. My ten-year-old self would scour the National Geographic website to glean what I could about the dinosaurs, flying reptiles, aquatic reptiles and so many more monstrosities that existed all those millions of years ago. I even dreamed of becoming a paleontologist one day.

I grew out of my dinosaur phase eventually, but my love for the natural sciences never wavered . I chose the sciences for my secondary school courses because I knew I wouldn't be satisfied by anything else. Chemistry was one of my favourite subjects, I was captivated by the near-infinite number of organic chemicals that existed and the wide array of reactions and combinations that these substances could partake in, as well as the integration of these chemicals into living organisms and how life is made possible as a result.

My peers would describe me as someone who is motivated, curious and someone who loves partaking in vehement scientific discussions and debate. In my 12th grade, during an award ceremony for high achievers in Cambridge Examinations, my chemistry teacher introduced me to the audience as someone who, "finds intelligent solutions to complex problems."

Something I am most proud of would be my drive to always learn something new and be the best version of myself that I can be.

So, what do you think? I just hope I dont sound too cocky or anything.

Jason, the essay isn't cocky at all. It sounds like it was written by a level headed person who knew exactly what he wanted to say. The problem is that you used the first person description of yourself in an essay that requires a secondary point of view from 3 persons. The reviewer is looking for descriptions coming from your parents and other people you interact with in the community aside from your friends. Consider revising the essay to remove your self analysis and write 2 paragraphs in relation to your parents understanding of who you are and how your community members see you. The community members can be a a religious authority, a teacher, a sports activity leader, or even the members of a volunteer group you work with. What's important is that you offer at least 3 different descriptions or one common description of who you are. Then base what you are most proud of about yourself on the strongest description that was provided regarding who you are. It could be a character trait, a talent or skill, or something unique that these people admire about you. Then you can use the first person reference to discuss why you are most proud of being known by people that way.