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"Drivers in Saudi Arabia" Stanford roommate- feedback



R1993 3 / 1  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hey roomie,

My name is Reema Alhumaidan-difficult to pronounce, I know, but I will help you through it! I have lived my whole life in Riyadh, the capital of Saudi Arabia, but frequently spent my summers in the U.S. Even though I am a city girl, one embarrassing fact about me is that I cannot drive. In Saudi Arabia, women are not allowed to drive and therefore must acquire drivers or beg their dads or brothers to drive them. You might think this is a form of indulgence, but, believe me, it is torturous. So, you will have to put up with me and my diving lessons. I will finally be able to drive myself to the gym!

I see my body as my own personal temple, which is the reason why I enjoy running at the gym and eating healthy, organic fruits and vegetables. I enjoy reading books that are intellectually engaging, watching movies with unpredictable endings, and listening to music that makes me feel mellow -although I must confess I indulge in pop music and chick-flicks every once in a while. I will watch anything that involves Michael Douglas or Christian Bale. We should watch two movies the first week we meet-one of your favorites and one of mine.

I'm also a family girl; I love my grandparents and try to spend more than two evenings a week with them. This may come as a shock to you, but they are very fun to be around! I really do enjoy my time with them. I will miss them terribly, but I hope I will get along with you even better than I get along with them.

Sincerely,
Reema

P.S. I may be the only girl you have ever met who does not like strawberries.

What sort of transitional word could I add at the beginning of the second paragraph?
What is the correct use of a dash?

basketball 7 / 34  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
Transitional: I think about Moreover, In addition...
Dash is for the short summary, point for the clause
If you have time, check my essay, thanks :D
Good luck,
OP R1993 3 / 1  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
I just realized the essay is too long and exceeds the maximum number of words allotted (250) any ideas on unnecessary sentences ? thanks for the feedback
basketball 7 / 34  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
I don't think you need the P.S sentence
and therefore must acquire drivers or beg their dads or brothers to drive them: this is not necessary, it will keep the same meaning for you with just the beginning of the sentence.

Good luck :D
hasgc 3 / 3  
Jan 1, 2011   #5
your idea in the essay is lost, i'm not sure what you are talking about. are you talking about drivers in suadi arabia or about your grand parents? make it more specific.


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