"duty as a stock manager" - working skills, experience, Syracuse Supplement question

Is this a good answer to this question?

If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?

I first opened my eyes during the summer of 2008. Due to the recession I understood that my parents would not be able to support me forever. After this realization I applied for my first of several jobs I would attend during high-school. I applied to work as a paid intern for a computer repair company. I gained the skills to understand the underling structure of many electronics and how to repair them. I later used these skills to build my own custom made computer that to this day is still at the peek of technology. I later worked as an accounting clerk for a stock broker. It allowed me to use the knowledge I procured from class into practice. It gave me real world experience and knowledge in a fascinating field of business. I then began working for my boss as a cold caller; as I tried to procure clients for my employer over the telephone I learnt how to deal with different people in different ways. I was taught how to use psychology and well timed rebuttals in order to get the information I needed from potential clients. I am now an employee of CVS/Pharmacy. As stock manager I have learnt how to work the logistics of a store and a business. It has further accelerated my accounting skills because I do up to one thousand dollars in transactions hourly. My final duty as a stock manager is to calculate our stores S.H.R.I.N.K. This is our stores lost per hour due to shoplifting and misplaced products and is calculated by using a slew of mathematical functions. This has given me the knowledge to use {such as logarithms} in a practical way. Last but not least, these different work experiences have given me the ability to be self sufficient and skilled for the future job market.

Hey Abraham,

That is a good answer to the question. I feel that the answer could be even better if you focus and develop one specific work experience. Also, I would recommend not only focusing on the technical things you learned from the experience, but the life skills you can carry throughout your life.

On a completely unrelated note, be sure to be wary of word limits. If you have a 350 word limit, this essay is a pretty good length, but otherwise it could be a little shorter/longer

but i feel like ive done so much, just saying one would be an injustice

any grammatical errors found?

...several jobs I would attend hold during high-school.

...the underling underlying structure of many ...

It's not cool to say last but not least... unoriginal stuff is not cool. :-)

The ending is a little weak. At the end you should refer back to something you said in the intro, something memorable from the intro., I really enjoyed the seriousness of the intro, and that phrase "opened my eyes" stuck with me. Refer to that at the end! :-) And don't bump threads; drive traffic to them by helping a lot of people and asking them to return the favor.