Earthwatch experience.... Personal Statement number 2!

I really need to downsize...help!
Did I stay on topic?? do I need to mention more of what makes me proud?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first because I did not have a strong background in science, nor have I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to send the application in. I became so eager, that I cried when I thought I missed the post mark date. After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. On July 6, I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I was taught so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Throughout my experience, I grew as a person by taking chances. It was rough leaving home, but I became more independent because of it. I will always be able to remember my journey into astrophysics because it makes me proud of myself for going out of my comfort zones, and even my own beliefs to give an opportunity a chance. Although I was accepted, applying made me the most proud. Earthwatch has readied me for my independence when I reach college.

Hello,

I took out some unnecessary words, but you can trim it down much further. Take out the sentences that are least important to you.

I separated the first sentence from the rest. Make it into a paragraph that tells what the essay is about. Then, trim away enough text to make room for a conclusion paragraph, too. You need less description and more reflection.. It is too bad that there is a word limit, because you write very eloquently. Still, you need to trim it down!

Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. (now, make this the intro paragraph)

Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first, because I did not have a strong background in science, nor had I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to apply . After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I learned so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Now add a conclusion