Here's my response:
Education - but most importantly the ability to attain one - remains among the things that truly matter to me. During my stay with family in Delicias, Chihuahua, I decided to work in a field picking jalapeno peppers. To my dismay, I only lasted five hours under the sun and only summed a measly 70 pesos. However, a conversation with a Oaxacan mother about my age and a baby wrapped around her back brought a multitude of realizations. Being exceptionally naïve and ignorant, I asked her why she didn't go to school. Without offense or hesitation, she replied, in Spanish, "Because I'm poor." Just like her baby, she was born into the field. And just like its mother, the baby will grow into it.
There is a theory of conspiracy behind bureaucratic governments and their effort to keep power and control under their entities. By underfunding education, as the theory states, they are able to keep political dominion under their control. While this consists of mere speculation, the theory is not without reason. Surely, someone with a rudimentary education cannot amount to important, political decision.
The conversation over a bush of jalapenos made me realize that obtaining an education is a great privilege. Without an education, I will not be able to escape the burden of minimum-wage labor but continue its cycle. Without an education, I will not be able to offer my own children a greater standard of living. Without an education, I will not amount to important changes in society.
This is a great choice for an anecdote.
The second sentence functions much more strongly as a hook. You don't actually need the first sentence, or you could put it somewhere else.
I don't think it reflects well when you call yourself naive and ignorant, try something softer.
Multitude of realizations = epiphany
"led me to an epiphany"
I would avoid talking about conspiracy, but just consider the problems with underfunding of education.
It would help if you talked more about yourself and education as well.
Good job thus far!
Maybe you can add in parantheses the American currency equivalent to 70 pesos? Would help emphasize your point
"an Oaxacan mother"
vary the sentence structure a bit here:
"Being exceptionally naïve and ignorant, I asked her why she didn't go to school. She replied in Spanish, without offense or hesitation, "Because I'm poor.""
love the two sentences after this!
"I would not be able to"
Also, I would just combine all three of those sentences together: "Without an education, ____, ____, and ___." I get that you're trying to be impactful and emphasize, but condensing it can still be impactful
Love this essay overall though
