"electrical engineering" - Discuss your short and long-term goals and priorities

Would humans have improved their way of living without the evolution of technology? In today's world, technology has greatly impacted our way of life. It has brought simplicity to our everyday lives from the bridges we cross to the handheld wireless phones we use to communicate freely. These sorts of advances in technology could not have been achieved without the minds of brilliant engineers like Thomas Telford and Martin Marty Cooper. Their knowledge, skills, and creativity gave birth to magnificent creations in the world of technology.

In college, I want to pursuit a degree in electrical engineering. I want to use my degree to work on improving the existing electronic systems and creating new ones. Another goal I want to achieve with my degree is to improve the lives of people in third world countries. My parents grew up in a very poor environment in China. Therefore, I want to help other families and prevent them from suffering from bad living conditions as my parents did. I plan to travel abroad to provide aid to those in need.

My short-term goals are to graduate from high school with an advanced high school diploma and to learn as much as I can to prepare myself for college. Additionally, I am also working on scholarship application in hope of receiving scholarships to help with my education. If I achieve these short-term goals, I will be able to achieve my long-term goals of working as an electrical engineer and making a positive contribution to the world.

The prompt require you to tell the priorities between you long and short goals.

You need certainly make it more clear and give more details about the priority since it has the same importance as previous part.

Also, I am a little bit confused about your long goal. Is it "a degree in electrical engineering" or " improving the existing electronic systems and creating new ones".

If the latter one is yout goal, you should put it in the beginning of the paragraph.

You write so well! The first sentence of the essay seems a little strange, because technology IS the way we improve out standards of livng. From medical technology to transportation technology, technology IS the way. So you should not ask, "Could we have improved without technology?" because it is like asking, "Could we have improved if we had not improved?" I hope this makes sense the way I explained it here! :-)

Good structure in composition:
Let each paragraph have a topic sentence (the first sentence) that expresses an idea:
In college, I want to pursue a degree in electrical engineering. --- this is a good idea, but maybe a little too simple. The paragraph is about the reasons why, so make this sentence about the reasons why.

In college, I want to pursue a degree in electrical engineering for two reasons . I want to use my degree to work on improving the existing electronic systems and creating new ones. Another goal I want to achieve with my degree is to improve the lives of people in third world countries; my parents grew up in a very poor environment in China. Therefore, I want to help other families and prevent them from suffering from bad living conditions as my parents did. I plan to travel abroad to provide aid to those in need. (now add a conclusion sentence for this paragraph... a sentence that reflects on these 2 reasons.