"How will you engage academically at Penn?" Short Answer University of Pennsylvania

PROMPT:
A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)

The admissions representative who visited said to be specific in this essay, so I tried to be:

At the University of Pennsylvania, I am applying to the Huntsman Program for International Studies and Business. I have always found other cultures to be incredibly exciting because they show a point of view and way of life that is much different from my own. On the other hand, I am also interested in business because it can have so many applications in a variety of careers. Due to my interest in both of these areas of study, I was excited to find that Penn had a specific program that would allow me to pursue each one. I love how the Huntsman Program is able to offer an intense and immersive level of study that would enable me to really get to know a certain culture, instead of just skimming the surface. Since I have studied Spanish for five years, I am eager to advance my language skills but also my knowledge of Hispanic culture. I know that the Huntsman Program at Penn would be able to give me the skills to not only connect with a particular area of the world, but also give me the business sense to do so as part of an international company.

Even if I were not accepted into the Huntsman Program, I am still interested in Penn because although there are separate schools, it seems like the university is not divided along those lines. No matter what I studied, I would still have access to the same level of education. I know that I would still be able to pursue my interests in other cultures by studying International Relations at the College of Arts and Sciences, my single-degree program of choice.

-Feedback?

I liked your essay but it seems like you only talk about the schools rather than what you can actually do once you get there or even after graduation,

At the University of Pennsylvania, I am applying to the Huntsman Program for International Studies and Business. I have always found other cultures to be incredibly exciting because they show a point of view like what? and way of life that is much different from my own. On the other hand, I am also interested in business because it can have so many applications in a variety of careerswhat application, what kind of careers? what are your specific ideas about your career?. Due to my interest in both of these areas of study what interest? how much? did you demonstrate interest before through some ECAs?, I was excited to find that Penn had a specific program that would allow me to pursue each one. I love how the Huntsman Program is able to offer an intense and immersive level of study that would enable me to really get to know a certain culturesuch as?, instead of just skimming the surface. Since I have studied Spanish for five years, I am eager to advance my language skills but also my knowledge of Hispanic culture. I know that the Huntsman Program at Penn would be able to give me the skills to not only connect with a particular area of the world, but also give me the business sense to do so as part of an international company.

Even if I were not accepted into the Huntsman Program, I am still interested in Penn because although there are separate schools, it seems like the university is not divided along those lines. No matter what I studied, I would still have access to the same level of education. I know that I would still be able to pursue my interests in other cultures by studying International Relations at the College of Arts and Sciences, my single-degree program of choice.

The last paragraph is a little weak. Be a little more upbeat or excited about Penn. Penn people love that!

If you expand on the questions I pointed out here and there, this could be much better, in my opinion.

Good luck.