Essay Prompt:
'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'
Essay:
"Engineering? You?" It is always feels a punch to the stomach, hearing people criticize my potential career. As a woman who is interested in math or science, I have often been judged. Whenever I mention that I would want to become an Engineer or Doctor, my peers would raise their eyebrows and wonder why I, unlike other girls, am not into the humanities. The discrimination annoys me and often frustrate me. My single mother was able to raise me to be the person I am today; Marie Curie was awarded multiple Noble Prizes; Martha McClintock, a Wellesley Alumnae, discovered the existence of human pheromones. If all these women were able to do what they did, why could I not pursue my own interests without being judged?
So when on November 15, 2010, I visited Wellesley, I felt like the college called out to me. An all women's college, where there would be no sexual discrimination, where I could further my education in the math and sciences not only at Wellesley but also at MIT, Babson, and Olin, seemed perfect. Walking around the campus, I envisioned myself lying there on the grass. Strolling through the dorms, I felt the warmth red bean soup can bring. Visiting the Science Library, I knew I wanted to spend weekends there, doing homework, writing papers, and studying for exams. What I felt visiting other colleges was incomparable to what I felt at Wellesley. Other colleges may have also captured me academically and socially, but Wellesley was that and so much more. It felt like home.
I'm not really good at grammars, so I will just give you some opionions about your essay.
I think the first paragraph is great. To start with a quote is a great hook. But I'm a little confused about your interest: math? science? you want be a engineer? doctor? all of them? I guess it's fine if you are multi-interested, it's just a little confusing.
The second paragraph is interesting too. If you can add more "envisioning" details, it probably would be better. And I have to say, almost all the why Wellesley essays have mentioned MIT cross-register, and secual discrimination, I don't know if the AO would be tired of these things.
In general, good job!
