Evaluate ethical dilemma you have faced & its impact to you - questbridge nat'l college match

Indonesia is a multicultural country, consisting more than 400 ethnic tribes with their own different traditions and cultures. However, there are two characteristics that we have in common : religiousness and conservativeness. We are tolerant to different religious affiliations, but we are not tolerant to atheism; people must believe in God. We are tolerant to different cultures and traditions, but we are not tolerant to significant differences to the society such as unusual sexual preferences. Beliefs that are unconventional are generally considered immoral, no matter how logical they may be.

So, when I was in an open debate about LGBT marriage, which was a part of the selection test for student government membership, I wasn't surprised that there were only two people who supported LGBT marriage : Astri, my debate team member, and I.

Personally, I support the marriage of people with unusual sex preferences : lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT). People can be forced to do anything but to feel or think, because feeling and thought are something physically nonexistent. So, when two individuals with same gender love each other, what can people do? Can people force them to stay away from each other? Yes. But can people force them to stop loving? Of course not!

I believe in my religion, and my holy Qur'an states that engaging in same sex activities is sinful. But I also believe that people have the ultimate right to believe (or not to believe) in something. LGBT people have the right to believe if being LGBT is a sin or not. And even if they believe that being LGBT is a sin, they still have the right to choose to sin or not. Beliefs and choices, similar to feelings, are physically nonexistent thus cannot be forced.

In debate tournaments, I would be happy to express my opinion towards LGBT marriage. I had to support any statements assigned to me anyway. But supporting LGBT marriage in other situations (such as this open debate test), where I can choose not to support, is a different case. People might think I am kafir, extremist, and consider me unethical and immoral.

But I couldn't deny my own thoughts. I couldn't say that I believe in something while I actually don't. I also didn't want to spread more hatred towards LGBT people, which are marginalized already. So, with Astri, I supported LGBT marriage. Two against fifty.

The debate went as predicted. The rest of the participants refused LGBT marriage, still not convinced with our logical arguments that usually convinced the adjudicators in debate tournaments. There was no winner of the debate since the debate is aimed only to measure communication skills; we were supposed to forget anything that happened in the debate. Yet people mocked me after the debate, accusing me as lesbian (Astri was lucky to have a boyfriend at that time). But I didn't regret my decision. People would soon forget anyway.

However, I passed the test. At least my arguments convinced the selection committees.

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For review :
1. Do you enjoy reading this essay?
2. What character(s) do I have according to this essay?
3. Any grammatical / language mistakes? Please point out!
Thank you {}

You have a major problem in this essay in the sense that this is not a major ethical dilemma that you had to overcome. The issue of the LGBT debate about gay marriage did not involve you directly nor affect you in any way. Therefore, you totally missed the point of the essay prompt. You need to write about an issue that direct affects you. Some topics you can discuss include any form of racial discrimination or intolerance that you may have experienced in your country. Or perhaps the issue about religious intolerance outside of your country that you might have experienced when you traveled overseas. Right now, the essay needs to be totally overhauled to respond to the prompt.

I will commend you on your grasp of the English language though. It is near a native speaker level but somehow you seem to have a problem analyzing the requirement of the prompt. Which came as a total surprise to me. Overall, this was an engaging and informative essay. But you need to discuss an ethical dilemma that directly impacted your life. A school test is not enough of an ethical dilemma. You need something heavier to impress the readers and examiners.

Here's hoping my comments help. I am truly looking forward to your next version of this essay :-)

@Vangiespen thank you very much, you really saved me :)
As for your topic suggestions, unfortunately I have absolutely no experience of racial discrimination or going abroad. But I have written a new essay about another topic. Would you like to review this?

--

A 'Gift'

8th grade. The last day before first semester break. 06.10 a.m.
I stared to the wrapped box in front of me, sticked with a paper written "To Jane".
Should I send it? Should I take the risk of more humiliation, more ostracism, and discipline sanction from school?

The previous day.
My class was free of lesson. Some classmates were playing dakon, an Indonesian traditional board game. I asked them to join, and they said, "Ask Jane". The dakon was hers.

I asked, and she yelled, "I withdraw! I'm not playing!!!"

Of course.

Jane, and most of my classmates, ostracized me for my sinusitis in 7th grade, which made me snot regularly. They seemed to believe that my hands still contained dangerous bacteria or something, regardless of the fact that my sinusitis was cured in the beginning of 8th grade.

But unlike the others, Jane blatanly showed her consideration of me by the way she treated me in daily life. She would throw her new notebook to trash bin because I touched it, while the others would only secretly rub it with tissue papers (but I knew).

For Jane's blatant humiliation, I usually yelled at her. But for the rest of the rejection I received, there was nothing I could do. The constant rejection made me feel unworthy, that I deserved the maltreatments. It swept every courage and dignity I used to have.

I became trapped in vicious circle of depression. When I felt rejected, I retracted myself from the society. The more I retracted myself, the more ostracized I became and the more I felt rejected.

The cycle repeated itself everyday until this day, when Jane yelled, "I want my dakon be washed with Dettol!!!" after I touched her dakon.

My mouth was silent, but my mind was seething with anger. For the first time, I felt numb instead of becoming more depressed to the mistreatments and rejections I received. In my mind, I said, "OK, fine!" Challenge accepted.

After school, I bought a bottle of Dettol and several other cleansing products. I packed them in a box, along with a note :

'I'm sorry for contaminating your dakon with bacteria from my filthy hands. As my apology, please accept this gift from me to clean up your dakon. Melati.'

The last day before semester break. 06.45 a.m.
I put the box in front of Jane's house.

First day after semester break.
I was summoned by the discipline office of my school. Jane reported me. Gossip spread.
But it worth. The action succeed. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then.

Now.
I am first-ranker, debater, student government committee, programmer, tourism ambassador, and researcher. I am no longer the depressed kid in junior high school. I have many friends, no rejection.

Flashing back to that very moment, I realize that this event made me who I am today. The success of this event gave me the courage to try everything and take risk, to be bold and confident, and to demand what I deserve. The ending of the maltreatments I received returned my dignity and self-esteem. In the end, the dignity and courage I regained returned my confidence to reach my maximum potentials, to achieve far beyond my peers as I would normally do.

Hi! I was wondering what the prompt is for this essay? I can't really give accurate feedback until I know what the prompt is. What I can do for you however, is provide you with a preliminary review of the content and grammar used in the essay. I hope that will do for now?

The essay itself provides an interesting sneak peek into your high school life and your experience with bullying. What you presented is a scenario that could happen to any student on any given day in any school across the world. I am most specially impressed with the way that you presented how you dealt with the situation and the fact that you managed to use what transpired as an inspiration for you to do better academically. This is a well thought out essay that you should be proud to present to anybody to read. After a few grammar corrections that is.

Now for the corrections which, I assure you, does not diminish the important message that your essay provides about how to successfully handle bullying and overcome this negative experience in your life.


- I stared at the wrapped box... it had a piece of paper stuck to it upon which I had written "To Jane".
- ... from the school?


- Class was out for the day . Some of my classmates were playing Dakon... I asked if I could join them ..


- ostracized me because of my sinusitis... which made my nose drip regularly ... was cured at the beginning...
-Try not to use slang English terms when writing formal essays Snot = mucus / nose drippings.


- ... what she thought of me...


- ... throw her new notebook into the trash bin...


- It swept away every ounce of courage and dignity that I used to have.


- vicious cycle of...


- I retreated from society .


- The more I retreated ,


- ... the day when Jane...


- ... because of all the mistreatment and rejection I received.


- But it was worth it .


- succeeded
- Watch out for your tenses. This essay is being told in the past tense.


- ... better from then on .


- I am a first ranker...


- risks

I hope you won't mind my suggestions for cleaning up the sentences and paragraphs. This is really a very solid essay. You should be proud of the way that you wrote this :-)

Vangiespen :
Of course I don't! you've been very helpful, thanks a lot :)
Anyway, can you help me reducing the length of this essay? The limit is 500 words, while mine is 566. I have no idea which parts should I remove without changing the story.

The prompt is Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you

You seem to have double posted this essay so ended up answering it twice. I am not sure what the rules are about double posting in the forum but I am posting my answer again just in case you miss the first answer I posted.

What I can suggest is that you remove the title headings that you use to separate the story settings. Write it as one free flowing essay instead. Most importantly, be direct to the point. Less flowery words means you get your point across sooner with lesser words. That way, you can meet the word count and have a smooth flow and look to the essay. Here is a sample of what I did for this essay. You can use it as your guide Note that this is your original version and by removing certain elements and adding a few simple words, the word count became 464:

Jane, and most of my classmates, ostracized me for my sinusitis in 7th grade, which made me snot regularly. They seemed to believe that my hands still contained dangerous bacteria or something, regardless of the fact that my sinusitis was cured in the beginning of 8th grade.

But unlike the others, Jane blatanly showed her consideration of me by the way she treated me in daily life. She would throw her new notebook to trash bin because I touched it, while the others would only secretly rub it with tissue papers (but I knew).

For Jane's blatant humiliation, I usually yelled at her. But for the rest of the rejection I received, there was nothing I could do. The constant rejection made me feel unworthy, that I deserved the maltreatments. It swept every courage and dignity I used to have.

I became trapped in vicious circle of depression. When I felt rejected, I retracted myself from the society. The more I retracted myself, the more ostracized I became and the more I felt rejected.

The cycle repeated itself everyday until this day, when Jane yelled, "I want my dakon be washed with Dettol!!!" after I touched her dakon. A Dakon is a popular board game among Indian teens and Dettol is a brand of sanitizer.

My mouth was silent, but my mind was seething with anger. For the first time, I felt numb instead of becoming more depressed to the mistreatments and rejections I received. In my mind, I said, "OK, fine!" Challenge accepted.

After school, I bought a bottle of Dettol and several other cleansing products. I packed them in a box, along with a note :

'I'm sorry for contaminating your dakon with bacteria from my filthy hands. As my apology, please accept this gift from me to clean up your dakon. Melati.'

I put the box in front of Jane's house.

I was summoned by the discipline office of my school upon my return from semester break. Jane reported me. Gossip spread.
But it worth. The action succeed. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then.

Now, I am first-ranker, debater, student government committee, programmer, tourism ambassador, and researcher. I am no longer the depressed kid in junior high school. I have many friends, no rejection.

Flashing back to that very moment, I realize that this event made me who I am today. The success of this event gave me the courage to try everything and take risk, to be bold and confident, and to demand what I deserve. The ending of the maltreatments I received returned my dignity and self-esteem. In the end, the dignity and courage I regained returned my confidence to reach my maximum potentials, to achieve far beyond my peers as I would normally do.

Does this work for you? You already know what corrections need to be made :-)

Hi, Melati. Thank you for your help with my essays. Sorry, but I cannot do the same to you; vangiespen does her job too well. I will be ready to help you if you post your MIT essays. My email is h#ohl#ov.hr#isto@mail#.r#u

I can help you with MIT application if you have questions that I can answer.
I think your theme is good, and after editing the essay will be really great.

P.S. I'm sorry, but essayforum forbids to post direct emails, so just remove # that I inserted, they are not part of the email.