It's a pretty simple, cheesy essay about friendship, so it shouldn't be hard to find dilemmas.
I really don't feel I've answered the prompt, so let me know. (Quick question, should I include their real names? Just for this thread I'll use an initial) I was also wondering if I should try to shift more towards "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." or just have it as a topic of my choice.
BE HARSH IF NEED BE!! I HONESTLY DON'T FEEL I TRIED HARD ENOUGH FOR THIS ESSAY!! Thanks.
(Common App Prompt) Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. -
Almost everyone can say that they have had a best friend, but only a few can admit to having had a terrible start. As a shy, young girl in 1st grade, I was dependent on everyone else. I easily felt lonely and was often subject to embarrassing situations, just because I let "friends" do whatever they wanted with me. I remember in 2nd grade meeting one girl, P, who was my first real friend. Everyone liked her, and so I figured that being her friend would be my best shot at getting noticed. In 3rd grade, I met an acquaintance of hers named E, a quiet girl that P admitted to not truly liking. At the time I found her fun, but eventually I was influenced by P's opinion and ended up disliking E as well. Little did I know just how much E would really mean to me in the end.
My friendship with E started out as a great one. I had no clue what P had found so bad about her. Eventually though, many people started telling me how they disliked E because of her pretentiousness, and my easily convinced mind felt that it was true. P somehow managed to convince me to hate E and even bully her. By the end of elementary school, E and I no longer considered ourselves friends.
After entering middle school, I apologized to E for having done all of the cruel things I did. Her answer to me was one that was truly sad - She was given therapy sessions for her bullying, as well for family issues. I could not help but feel terrible for having done all of the things I did. I told her that I was so sorry and that I really wished to be good friends again. Surely she forgave me, as I was the only bully that had apologized, but she did say that we could never be best friends again (since I was still friends with P).
High school was a fresh start for both E and I since P went to a different high school. Since we were our only friends, it was difficult to branch out as we had no classes together; we were both shy people. Somehow we managed to meet new friends and become heavily influenced by them, becoming open, brighter people. We actually were able to spend much time together and eventually did become best friends again.
Her anxiety from the past is hardly visible anymore. She has become such a strong, social, funny girl that everyone loves. Not only is she now accepted by everyone, but she's managed to achieve great things even after having had a depressing childhood. It may not seem like it, but that entire experience of her hating me really did have a great impact on me. It was a huge struggle trying to have two best friends that hate each other, but in opening up myself to my own thoughts and not letting other tell me what I should think, I have become a more independent person that goes by her own opinions.
I think you've cohesively developed your plot, but it sounds like a simple casual conversation. It's all facts, there are no evidences or concrete examples. For example, how did you bully E? You could start by describing a scene of how you bullied E, then go on about how you met her, and finally, describing the impact of your bullying on E. Elaborate more on details. And because you're focusing on E, I think it fits in more with "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."
All the best on your application :)
Could please you help me with mine, too? It will really mean a lot to me.
She was given therapy sessions for her bullying, as well as for family issues.
SurelyI'm not sure what word to put there, but surely does not seem to make sense she forgave me, as I was the only bully that had apologized, but she did say that we could never be best friends again (since I was still friends with P).
Since we were oureach others only friend, it was difficult to branch out as we had no classes together<--huh?? that doesn't make sense.
We actually were able to spend mucha lot of time together and eventually did become best friends again.
You should try and bring in how you changed from it. You talk about how P changed to much. This essay is about you! It has the raw material to be great! just re work it a little and you should be great. hope i helped.
p.s. i might repost a revised version of my rice essay, could you check it out when i put it up?
Thanks guys, and of course I'll check your essays and then post up a revised version of mine!
This essay makes you seem mean up until the last paragraph. Maybe put that you realized how wrong you were a little earlier?
Elaborate on how it affected YOU more than how it affected HER
Haha, I was afraid I would do that. Let me fix it up.
I really liked it! You answered the prompt perfectly, just not in the most traditional way, which is in no way a bad thing. If anything, it'll make you seem different.
Thanks, I was hoping that it would seem different, but I still feel like it's lacking somewhere..
your prompt is really novel, and I think your unique way of answering the question is exactly what uni's are looking for
its a really good response!
Alright, I'll just make a few more changes and then submit. Thanks to everyone!
