Event that catalyzed change in belief/action - Queen's SE

Any help is appreciated!!!!! Be as harsh as possible

Describe an event you have witnessed or experienced that served as a catalyst for change in your beliefs or actions.

November 18th, 2022 at 5:44am, the moment my faith in God crumbled. After a strenuous, tiring battle against pancreatic cancer, my grandfather had let go from the only thing keeping him in the material world. Dozens of sleepless nights praying to a higher power were for naught as I experienced the first death in my family. From this point on I knew changes had to be made with the composition of who I was to adjust to the hurdles I was now facing.

Following the death of my grandfather, I decided to venture onto a different career path. Infuriated with whatever was above, I stopped praying and going to church, making excuses to not visit my grandfather's grave so as to not be reminded of the past. For the first two years after his death I missed the Qingming festival, a national day of mourning for lost ancestors in the Chinese community where paper money and cherished items would be brought into the heavenly realm. I avoided going to the cemetery, too worried that I would have to face the reality of his passing. I focused on school, improving my grades and extracurriculars to endure the boulder of intelligence and willpower required to continue into the medical field. My social life faced a steep decline, shutting down all invitations from friends to hang out in order to spend that time studying. I hoped to make my grandfather proud, thinking I would feel better about the current situation.

I did a complete 180, changing the life that was centered around my dream into the dream of his, being a successful medical professional in a first world country. This shared dream of nearly every Asian household had consumed me; doubts plagued my mind by convincing me that I would never be able to achieve this dream unless I turned my life around. As a response to my grandfather's passing I altered my life path, switching from a gifted kid who followed Jesus Christ to a determined future doctor passionate about saving others because they could not save the one they needed to.

The main problem that I see with this essay is that it embodies the dream of someone else for you rather than a dream that you are pursuing for personal reasons. I am also not very comfortable with the aspect of religion being discussed in the essay. Mostly because it might accidentally offend the reviewer, which is a major reason why applicants are often told to steer clear of any religious discussion in the application essays.

I am also not clear as to why you were so severely affected by the death. Were you already a med school student at the time? Perhaps you were in pre-med at the time? Whatever the reason, there is a disconnection in relation to the pivot of your beliefs in terms of religion. The essay has several loopholes actually. Look into plugging these missing links or perhaps, aim for a more personal essay that does not focus on the dreams of someone else for you.