I reaaaly need help I am over the character list by like 400 but I feel that everything as important(haha no pun intended)I need to know what to edit or delete. I appreciate any help but I mainly need to edit stylistic errors and gramatical ones. >_<
What matters to me most? It is a difficult question to answer because it is like picking one child over the other. I feel so passionate about almost everything that when faced to choose I think I might implode form the tension. That is why the most important things to me are the one that are all encompassing. Everything that we perceive as being important is derived from the people around us. The president himself is only important to us if we let him to be. To me this is why I feel that individualism is being left out in our world's growing pop culture.
The media idols we see on television supposedly promote individualism but in reality only foster actions that are approved by everyone else. They tell us to care about our appearances and to donate to charities by dialing a phone number. Not that any of these are necessarily bad but they damage our abilities as free thinkers. Appearances are there to please the public and donations are the easy way out to supposedly helping. These are solutions that are given to us without our input.
We need to be able to give our own input as to promote advancement. Back in the day everyone who kept a garden had to pluck weeds and cut the grass manually because that was just the way things were done. If it was not for Edwin Budding stepping out of society's mold, everyone would be doing things the old fashioned way.
Like I said before, everything and everybody matters. Some may say that is not true, that saying, "everyone is special is the same as saying nobody is." Everyone has the skill to become great so everyone is special, but it is those who look within themselves and master their skills that come on top. Personally I find this to be true because I grew up being a poor immigrant kid in a barrio where I was not expected to amount to much. Now I am at the top percent of my class and everyone expects me to turn out on top. It frustrates me to see that others believe that they are worthless and let themselves believe that due to their economic status in society. They feel as if they are shackled by being labeled as a lower class citizen which is why I feel that I need to find my sense of individualism by helping others with theirs. I want to contribute to their education as to keep something as pretentious as money from having them leave their mark on the world.
The individualism part has a certain ring to it; you should probably expand over it more than the media portion (which you might just remove from the essay to compensate for the word limit.) :)
Thanks for checking out my essay :)
Yes like the person above me, I agree. Focus more on one thing, and I don't really know about the "I don't know what to pick" part because that sort of makes you sound indecisive..? Maybe? Overall, I liked your point though and I like your language in this. Good luck!
Hmmm I see what you all are saying about the media but I was using it because They represent the beliefs of socety as a whole. Would it be better if I left it like this.
Everything that we perceive as being important is derived from the people around us. The president himself is only important to us if we let him to be. We assume that the president is important because we see that others also believe he is when in reality any one senator is just as important. To me this is why I feel that individualism is being left out in our world's media.The media uses its influence to have us conform to its beliefs. It is a sort of one sided conversation as they keep telling us wha to do but do not in turn have our voices heard.
We need to be able to give our own input in order to promote advancement. Back in the day everyone who kept a garden had to pluck weeds and cut the grass manually because that was just the way things were done. If it was not for Edwin Budding stepping out of society's mold, everyone would be doing things the old fashioned way.
Like I said before, everything and everybody matters. Some may say that is not true, that, "saying everyone is special is the same as saying nobody is." Everybody has the skill to become great so everyone is special, but it is those who look within themselves and master their skills that come on top. Personally I find this to be true because I grew up being a poor immigrant kid in a barrio where I was not expected to amount to much. Now I am at the top percent of my class and everyone expects me to turn out on top. It frustrates me to see that others believe that they are worthless and let themselves believe that due to their economic status in society. They feel as if they are shackled by being labeled as a lower class citizen which is why I feel that I need to find my sense of individualism by helping others with theirs. I want to contribute to their education as to keep something as pretentious as money from having them leave their mark on the world.
Much better, I like it more already.. Just keep tweeking and stuff, I've been tweeking mine too and sometimes better words and word combos come to mind, keep me updated I like your essay a lot!
I like your essay a lot. Yet, I keep thinking that most people won't share your views that a Senator is as important as the President. I might be wrong on this and I've been brainwashed by media, but the President has so much more power than each individual Senator. He represents the whole US whereas the Senator represents only a State. Maybe I'm wrong :(. The other thing I noticed is that the media part seems quite random. I kept thinking you would address it later in the essay but you didn't. Instead, you jump to your own life. I feel like there should be a smoother transition.
Do you really need the "Like I said before" part? 1) It's not explicitly stated and 2) It makes me feel like your being repetitive.
Good luck!
Also please read mine again. You read the wrong version. Sorry!
hmm you are right on that but i wasnt sure how to provide the transition got any specific ideas?
Actually, I think I didn't read your whole essay because I was looking at revised versions. I didn't realize you put the part about idols and such in at all! Given that you have a whole paragraph dedicated to the way media spin things, it makes much more sense since you present a problem in society and show how it affects you and how you try to fix it.
Sorry about that!
I get what your trying to say and i agree with you but I am not sure as to how the admissions officers would take it. From reading it, your tone doesnt come out very well in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. Tone it down a bit. It sounds too pessimistic and sometimes you come across as if your just blaming others.
Don't get me wrong, I think you have a really good idea but im not sure how that would come across to the people that would be reading it. If your fine with it, go with it.
Please check mine out if you have time. thanks.
