"... and everybody was smiling" - UCF Admissions

Up until this past summer my answer to the infamous "Where do you want to go to school?" question has been simply, "somewhere in Florida". In Florida alone, there are numerous respected colleges and within my past year of high school I have seen the majority of colleges I have been particularly interested in. My visits and tours have showed me lovely schools but the only one I have a real yearning for is UCF, it is the only place with a perfect balance of education and student life that seems just right for me. During the tour, our "Admissions Ambassador" unveiled to us everything UCF has to offer. Not only would I be able to receive my basic college education, but I will get so much more. The beautiful campus, the modern classrooms, and the energetic high-technology classes allow for a phenomenal education. Aside from the academic portion, UCF has amazing student life. The talk of football games, Spirit Splash, and even just going to eat at one of the campus restaurants makes me want to be part of the UCF community even more. Between the clubs, sports, Student Union and beautiful dorms there is barely a need to leave campus. Everything a student could ever want, everything I could ever want, is presented right there on school grounds. One thing that really stood out was the energy of the students. They all seemed like UCF was where they wanted to be and everybody was smiling. We rarely turned a corner and didn't see at least one student in black in gold. Ever since my tour on that scorching hot July afternoon, I knew I wanted to be a Knight.

I feel like it may not be personal enough. Any suggestions or feedback? Any help is appreciated! Thanks!

I actually really liked the essay and felt like you did a great job of explaining exactly why you like the college so much and wish to attend there. Your use of specific and detailed examples do a great job of reinforcing the fact that you have a great interest in the college. There are only a few mechanical things that i would suggest revising and then i would feel like this essay would be a definite winner. In the third sentence i think "showed" should be changed to "shown". "I have a real yearning for is UCF, it is the only place" i would suggest making this into two separate sentences as it sounds more like a run on/comma splice as it is now. other than these few corrections the paper sounds great and makes a great impression. hope this helps, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could provide some feedback on my paper. Our prompts were similar.

Thanks!

Hello Lauren,

Your essay is off to a great start but needs deeper examples. You write using a very generic tone----"The beautiful campus, the modern classrooms, and the energetic high-technology classes allow for a phenomenal education." What school are you speaking about? I know of thousands of schools that offer the same features. The admissions team wants to know why UCF? What do we have here that makes you want to study here? Instead of writing generally, try to be specific. Talk about some of the "high-technology classes." Give specific examples such as "working with Microsoft class xyz." This will demonstrate to the admissions counsel that you have really researched the shchool and really want to be there. Also, try to use the actual name of the admissions ambassador. This will further demonstration a connection with everything UCF. -admissions essay advice

Great essay! I'm working on the exact same question right now :) Although I would change one sentence to this ..."We rarely turned a corner without witnessing at least one student in black in gold".