WANT TO EXCEL; U Washington Transfer-Personal Statement; Electrical Engineering Major

I really need some help on my personal statement, it's due this friday 2/15. I'm a bad writer; english is my second language.

Do you have a compelling academic or personal need to attend the University of Washington-Seattle at this time? Is there anything else you would like us to know?

my essay:
Going back to United State for seeking a better college education and opportunities alone was not an easy decision to make. I have not lived in United State since I went back with my parents to their home country, Taiwan, when I was four years old. Living without my parents, I have to be responsible to myself and face the challenge as an individual and college student. In the first year I enrolled in Shoreline Community College, I took part time classes and worked mostly full time. I started to be a full time student in the second but still working part time. Even though spending much time working for living and tuition, I keep working hard on my education and have my grade at about 3.4. I have been amazed by all those circuit and wires since I was a boy. As I grow up, the interest of machines and electricity has led me to this particular field: Electrical Engineering.

The connection between electrical engineering and I started when I accidently broke my dad's desktop case in first grade. All those fantastic chips and wires really amazed me. I tried to explore it and broke it apart. Not surprisingly, my dad was mad at me and banned me from touching his desktop. After then, my dad taught me more about machine and electricity, I kept asking how electricity runs the computer and other machines. However, it's hard to explain that to a first grader. I have learned a lot more about electricity from books and school, and the more I learn the more I get fascinated. After getting into high school, my interest has transferred to motors and circuits. In high school class, I learned how to build different kinds of circuits and make a small electric motor. It felt amazing to see the handmade motor is rotating. By the time, I knew I can go through all the challenges and become an electrical engineer.

Deciding to leave my family and study in United State is a turning point of my life. I have to be more independent and earn for my living and tuition because my family is not capable to pay my living and tuition in United State. It's never easy to get enough time studying while working thirty hours a week. I wasn't able to take full time classes at the first year. Every time I went back from work, I was exhausted and had no time to study until I learned to manage my time well and not to waste every second. With financial aid, I can spend more time on studying in the second year and be a full time student though I still need to work twenty five hours a week. My financial hardship did drag down my grade in college, but I learn how to manage time and money which is also a very important part of life. With this working experiment, I can do better facing all sorts of challenges well and cooperate with other people.

Leaving United State at the age of four, I'm pretty much growing up and educated in Taiwan. I have my friends and beloved family here. I was afraid of such a big change; it took me a long time to make up my mind going to Seattle alone. Arriving in Seattle, Washington, everything is new and strange for me. Communication was also a hinder, though I know how to fully understand English, speaking it was never easy. I was culture shocked and overwhelmed by everything that I haven't seen and heard before. The educational and grading system here is also different from Taiwan, so that I had to rearrange the way I studied. In Taiwan, teachers force students to remember stuffs and give us tricky questions in exams. We stand very little chance to have all the answers correct. In American college, people who do study normally have more than eighty percent correct. I have tried to make myself fit in American college and pretty much get used to it now.

After studying in Shoreline Community College for almost three years, I have completed all the general requirement courses and major prerequisites of Electrical Engineering major. I need to transfer to a four year university majoring in Electrical Engineering, and University of Washington in Seattle is my first choice. University of Washington has a top twenty Electrical Engineering Program in United State and is the best university in Washington State. Studying in University of Washington, I will learn all the elements and knowledge in Electrical Engineering, and it will give me a good chance working in those great companies such as Boeing. Being in University of Washington can perfectly help me achieve my academic and career goal, being an electrical engineer. With my financial condition, I'm not able to transfer to other states and pay the out-state tuition. As I am about to move to the next part of my life, I will do my best not only to finish college but to excel. University of Washington will be a big part in my journey to achieve my goals.

(spaces between each paragraphs)
My concerns
Do i need a conclusion and a topic?
Is it specific enough? the length is limited at 750 - 1000
Is the layout okay?
Grammar mistakes?

Well...you start with telling the reader about going back to the US . Then you say that you left the US at the age of four. Again you say that you lived without parents.

So, the first thing that comes to the reader's mind is whether a four year old can have enough memories of US to acknowledge your claim. Again it sounds confusing when you say you lived without your parents after returning to Thaiwan. Things don't seem to fit in with each other; I feel it's better if you try to re-phrase this and present it slightly differently.

i meant i left US to taiwan at four, and come back for college without my parent. should i say: I had not lived in US since I went back to Taiwan with parents. Does that make sense?

Ok.... I didn't get this picture when I read it. For me it sounded somewhat confusing. So I feel you better attend to that :) ... Also I doubt whether it is worth talking about your childhood US experience.... For me, it sounds a bit out of topic and does not add any relevance to your answer.


Attending college in the US was a quite a tough decision for me. I had to leave my parents as well as my comfort zone and look after myself on my own. So I enrolled in Shoreline Community College and took part time classes and worked mostly full time.

okay that sounds neater! i like it. Overall, how does the essay look like? I hope there is no big problem. i really need some confidence.

Okkkk... let me tell you my true feeling; I don't say you write bad, but I feel you need to organize your flow better. For me, things sound a little sporadic and scattered here and there. First work on the structure of your answer. Have a sketch of what you are going to tell them first, second, third and so on. Align your answer as much as possible with the prompt.

As per the prompt, I feel you better start with talking your education; your interests and path (how your passion arose and how you pursed it), challenges, achievements etc. In this regard, I think you it's better not start with the US experience. Instead you can come to that a little later when you talk about the challenges. This is just my suggestion and may be you can come up with a better flow for your answer. As it is , I feel you need to attend to this a little more. Happy to help you if you need :)

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I dont know how this looks like, but the questions are not really related to each other. So i started with my passion and interesting, working experience, culture conflict, and eventually why choosing UW. The first paragraph just briefly describes my backgrounds.