"to expand these values" - Florida State Entrance Essay

Can you please look at my essay and tell me what I can do to improve it? Thank you very much.

At Florida State University, they are guided by the three Latin words of "Vires, Artes, and Mores". These three are all related in making a person with character, being strong in mind and body, and skillful in different ways in one's life. I believe that possessing all of these are important in succeeding at Florida State. Even though the process has been a long one to attain each value, I believe that these words represent me well.

The Latin word Vires means strength, physically, morally, and intellectually. Physical strength is something that everyone has, some are more noticeable than others. I am involved in many sports like golf and basketball and working out and keeping myself healthy each and every day is something I am very proud of. Moral strength is from dealing with my dad's physical problems over the last 10 or so years. Going through his heart surgery was one of my most toughest moments but knowing that he is in good hands and that he will be alright and live on strong. Intellectual strength has came from the years at catholic school and learning proper values and life lesions that will help me in my future and to help others that are searching for someone to help them.

Another Latin word that Florida State lives by is Artes or ones skill and beauty. This comes in different ways to everyone and is something that everyone possesses. My skill comes from my passion in the game of golf and why I want to continue it in with the golf management program. I have enjoyed the game ever since I was 4 playing with my grandfather and father. They taught me the proper way to play and how to love the game for years to come.

The Latin word of Mores refers to character, custom or tradition. These words are a main symbol that my family lives by everyday. Being catholic and going to church every Sunday and on all important holidays is something that I have always done my whole life. I think character is something that is very hard to find, people just can't be born with it. They have to find it and do it the hard way in order to obtain it. One who does gain character is someone who is well respected and well liked by everyone and I believe that I have earned good character during my four years at high school.

The Latin words of "Vires, Artes, and Mores" have three separate meanings but have one common meaning in describing a Florida State student. I believe that in my four years of high school and growing up a Florida State fan, I have learned these values the right way and will expand them by attending this University.

In this entire essay, you tell us three things about yourself: Your father had heart surgery; you like to play golf; and you go to church on Sunday. If you feel that these three things will make you an attractive candidate, submit this essay as it is with our best wishes. However, if you want to actually have a chance of gaining admission, then do not spend your entire essay explaining to FSU what it's own guiding philosophy means.

Start over. Before doing so, you may wish to peruse the plethora of FSU essays on this site, to give you an idea of your competition.

^What competition?

They know this already.


This too. They said so in the prompt.


That's nice, but predictable.


And here I was expecting you to say you lacked all of them. *Sigh* Your entire introduction is a waste of however long it takes someone to read it.


Yay! More quoting from the prompt.


And more vague statements of stuff everyone already knows.


Finally! Something interesting. So, start over, and make this the focus of your new, heavily narrative essay, in which you describe the experience in detail and show, rather than tell, how it built up Vires in you.

I agree with the other feedback. Those reading these applications know what the prompt is and what the words mean. No need to restate them.