To choose my college list, I first went to Youtube. When I typed in Yale I was expecting another dull admissions video, but instead I found a musical number. It was unexpected, uplifting, exciting, and engaging. Throughout my Yale research, the vibrancy of the residential colleges really set it apart. Coming from a graduating class of 28, I look for a school that challenges me academically, while still preserving the comfort of camaraderie. Yale is just that.
it is so short bc there was a character limit. it can be a setence longer than this tops
I think that this is good. My only thing is that a lot of people have been focusing on the residential colleges, but you do it in a way that is directly relates to you, so it still is unique! Also - I like how you talk about the difference in the admissions video and you relate it to the difference in its setting. Good work!
any ideas for a better topic sentence?
revised version. is it too general? When I typed in Yale to Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead I found a musical number. It was was uplifting, unexpected, exciting, and engaging. Throughout my Yale reasearch, these attributes have held true for all aspects of the school. With the vibrancy of the residential collges and the small class size, Yale set itself apart from other schools. Coming forom a graduating class of 28, I look for a school that preserves the comfort of comraderie. Yale is just that.
MY REWRITE.PLEASE CHECK IT OUT. When I typed in Yale to Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead I found a musical number. The life and vibrancy of the school delighted me; Yalies love Yale. A place that has music instead of speeches and freedom instead of facts, is the place for me. First impressions matter and Yale left a lasting one.
how is the rewrite? ahh yale suplement due tmrw
When I typed in Yale to Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead I found a musical number. The life and vibrancy of the school delighted me; Yalies love Yale. A place that has music instead of speeches and freedom instead of facts, is the place for me. First impressions matter and Yale left a lasting one.
Great response; I thought the Youtube detail was real nice. Only thing I'd change is to take out the comma after facts. I would advise more but I think it's really good as it is (I'm looking at the last post of yours). Good luck! :)
(PS. If you can, I'd love to hear any advice you have for my Brown supplement!)
You should replace Yalies love Yale with something else because thats the only thing that sticks out.
Your most recent version sounds perfect to me.
OMG SO MANY PPL ARE APPLYING TO YALE! -Here's my "why yale" blurb
FINAL VERSION I THINK? LET ME KNOW....When I typed in Yale to Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead I found a musical number. The life and vibrancy of the school delighted me; Yalies truly love Yale. A place that has music instead of speeches and freedom instead of facts, is the place for me. First impressions matter and Yale left a lasting one.
please post final comments on this, still not too confident in it yet
I think that's perfect. Not too long or dull, and very memorable, especially the end. You have to remember that you can only say so much in a short space, and everyone applying to yale has the same restrictions. The admissions officers wouldn't place very much weight in this area, so don't sweat it too much.
When I typed " Yale" into Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead, I found a intriguing? interesting? fancy-word to show off vocab here :)musical number. The life and vibrancy of the school delighted me; Yalies truly love Yale. A place that has music instead of speeches, and freedom instead of facts, is definitely/surely ? the place for me. First impressions matter -- and Yale left a lasting one
I hope this helps
