"The experiences that lead me to my dream(Business)"UC Prompt

Please leave your honest opinion about this essay...any advice would be helpful.:)

UC Essay Prompt #1:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Everyone is born as a blank canvas, ready to experience life and blossom into the person that we all wish to be. The countless experiences we have, the people we meet, and the decisions we make all serve as the artist to our self-portrait. When I reflect on how my self portrait has changed over the years, I realize how various opportunities have affected my dreams and aspirations.

Since childhood, I have always had a keen interest in ways in which I could make a difference in my community. Growing up, I always found myself using the Internet as the primary source for being informed about the outside world. However, I never realized that the evolution of technology could open many doors to possible business ventures. When the social networking site, Facebook, evolved from a college dorm room, it became clearer to me how a social networking site could make a profound mark on history. He simply saw a possibility and took advantage of it. With his success with the online community, I knew that my chances of creating a successful business was possible if I was willing to put in the hard work to fulfill my dream. Successful business' that have evolved from determined individuals has inspired me to fulfill my passion of starting up my own company.

During my junior year of high school, I was given the chance to prove to my school board that I qualified to be lead dance commissioner at my school. My passion for running for dance commissioner came from my desire to help fix a problem. When I was asked to brainstorm ideas for a dance theme our Senior year, I took the initiative to step out of my comfort zone and stand apart from possible candidates by creating a detailed presentation. I was willing to put more time and effort into this presentation to prove to the school board that I was capable of creating a solution for school dances. Being able to become fully engaged in the event planning process with help from family and friends allowed me to experience the feeling of being a leader. With this opportunity I was able to discover my passion for the field of business. As a business leader I would be able to fulfill by dream of being apart of the solution to the problems we face as a nation and the world, rather than being part of the problem. How I would be able to influence and make a difference through a small business would allow me to affect lives one step at a time. For every dream or aspiration I have, I will always relish putting time and energy into digging below the surface of a problem and coming up with a unique and effective answer.

I like your choice of topic. Is technology especially important in your family? maybe touch on that if it is. I would focus a little bit more on your future plans i.e. why you want to pursue business or a passion you would want to use it in.

Overall very good though and thank you for reading mine.

thanks again!!!ill take your comments into consideration...

also im adding onto my essay...can you read it when im done.

I agree with Marina. I like how you used technology. I would maybe just only just technology though. You say "technology and past experiences" but I would just reflect on technology. Your past experiences can stem from technology, but I would make it just about technology.

I could be wrong, but that is what I would do. Very good though!

He (Name the creators of Facebook) simply saw a possibility and took advantage of it. With his success with the online community, I knew that my chances of creating a successful business was possible would improve if I was willing to put in the hard work to fulfill my dream. Successful businesses that have evolved ...

Here is an idea I had to improve a sentence... but only if you like ti this way:
When I was asked to brainstorm I took the initiative to step out of my comfort zone and stand apart from possible candidates by creating a detailed presentation of ideas for a dance theme. our Senior year,.

Use fewer words when possible:
Being able to Becoming fully engaged in the event ...---To the reader, this expresses the same meaning.

With this opportunity I was able to discover my passion for the field of business. Great idea, but instead of referring to a passion for business, simply state an intention to do something specific in a particular industry. Tell about a plan. It can be anything, but make it a specific example of a business aspiration that will require the same skills you used in this story about the dance project.

As a business leader I would be able to fulfill by dream of being apart of the solution to the problems we face as a nation and the world, rather than being part of the problem This is great, but replace the vague abstractions with a specific example.

. How I would be able to influence and make a difference through a small business would allow me to affect lives one step at a time. need a specific example instead.

So... do you see what I mean? You have a great writing style and a meaningful message to share with this essay, but when you talk about applying the skills in business use specific examples to show that you are thinking and planning for the future.