Guys, I need your feedbacks and criticism on my essay, I will appreciate it a lot and I will gladly give my feedbacks in return
I know my essay still has lack of ideas and unorganized, so what ideas should I add more on this?
Upon graduation, what are your career goals and expectations? 2000 characters
Upon graduation I expect of contribute in solving energy issues immediately in energy related industry. I dreamed of being an exploration manager. However, an exploration manager doesn't exist without a big responsibilities behind it. Thus, I realize that I have to start my career path from the bottom. Besides, it takes experiences to be the "real" geophysicist in oil and gas industry.
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Upon graduation, I expect to immediately begin contributing to solving energy issues in an energy related industry. I dream of being an exploration manager. However, [being] an exploration manager followed [comes] with big responsibilities. Thus, I realize that I have to start my career path from the bottom. Besides, it takes experience to be an effective geophysicist in the oil and gas industry.
I'd spend my first 5 years upon graduation learning and gaining experiences as much experience as I can in industry. Although I obtain {"have obtained" or "will obtain"] [a ]bachelor['s degree] in geophysical engineering, I have also studied geology intensively] learn pretty much in geology. Therefore, I [expect to start my career in] expect to work in an operation division of [an] oil company or in an oil service company. With the experience that I gain, I plan to step up my career in a field development division as a geophysicist working in seismic interpretation or geomodeling. Even though I have {or "I will have" - it sounds like you are still is school right?} experience [working for an] in oil company, I acknowledge my bachelor degree is not enough to [qualify for a job at] achieve an exploration manager level. Therefore, I seek an opportunity to continue my study in mastering petroleum geophysics to upgrade my knowledge. The reason why I am not immediately continu[ing] in [my] master['s] study is that I believe by having working experience will help me in comprehending my study.{I would say "my courses", but "comprehend" is not strong enough} With having both working experience and higher education will escalate my expertise [more] rather than having [only] one of them. Herein after, I [will] have the confidence[, knowledge, and experience] to achieve my goal as an exploration manager.
As [To be] an exploration manager, only having experience in geoscience is insufficient. In addition, it also requires analytical skill in different perspectives, cost estimation, and maintaining industry relationships and contacts.{yes, this sentence seems out of place - do you really need it? - maybe instead say something like "Of course, as an undergraduate, I realize my eventual career path is not set in stone, so it is important to remain flexible and constantly seek new insights and exposure to a wide breadth of fields"} I hope by being granted the opportunity to attend [the] ExxonMobil Student Education Program and sharing with students from other countries, I can get a clearer overview of career paths in the oil industry and get more inspiration to contribute to my developing country.
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