"extenuating circumstances" - Rough Draft..

Business is what he does, but it is not who he is.

Even my early memories of my father consist of him teaching me the importance of how I manage my money, "if you save your fifty cents instead of spending it now you can buy something much bigger later" he would say. I've always though of my father as such a brilliant man when it comes to his drive for success in business. The respect I have for my dad comes from seeing his drive and motivation to succeed, and what matters most, his desire to reach out to people.

I spent nine years of my life as a cheerleader, both for competitive teams and for school. It was something I put a lot of time into on top of academics. After two world champion titles and several first place wins without making a C in pre-calculus who wouldn't feel like they were on top of the world. The feeling is remotely indescribable when a dream comes true. However, sometime after the glory fades and the crowds are finished cheering a feeling of discontentment arises, a feeling of wanting more. But what for?

My contentment, my ambition, and my motivation is all given to me through my faith in Jesus Christ. Like my father, I want to reach out to people. More than anything I desire to see Christ have the glory and people receiving salvation. My academics mean a lot to me, but what drives me to succeed is where my degree will put me not to glorify myself, but bring glory to the one true God and expand the kingdom of Christ.

College is what I do, cheerleading is what I do, but its not who I am.

Sounds like search for an identity to me.. and who doesn't do that. You may have weaknesses that obscure deep aspirations. College is the time to explore for these. Pick on something more concrete and search for your affirmation in what you do.

It is a mistake to think you have somehow chosen to go a different way, when you pick to study science. Science is what anything truely is. It is direct knowledge. Why is God the diffuse personality floating above facts -- a myth? You need to experience these human limitations yourself by following up scientific pursuits. Not just in one field, but in as many as you can study. Till you can seperate the awe from the substance.

Many scientists will say that..

The four paragraphs in the "essay" don't really hang together as an essay. They could be four paragraphs from four different essays. Also, I am concerned by the penultimate paragraph. Are you applying to an evangelical Christian school such as Bob Jones? If so, that paragraph is perfect. If, however, you are applying to a secular university, you can and should mention your faith, since it is important to you, but perhaps ought not devote such a larger proportion of an application essay to explaining your religious purposes, which are of no interest to the school and which, indeed, they must ignore in order not to discriminate on the basis of religion. A tax-payer funded public college or university may not favor religious students over non-religious students. Therefore, it is a waste of precious space to tout your devotion to your faith. Use the space more productively to say something that the admissions officers will be allowed to use to decide in your favor.

The four paragraphs to not support a broader idea. You should try to interconnect your ideas to make the essay flow.

"College is what I do, cheerleading is what I do, but its not who I am."

This would be a better essay if you showed who you are through more examples.

Hope this helped.

College is what I do, cheerleading is what I do, but its not who I am.

I know that you are trying to link this up with the begining, but it just doesn't seem cohesive.

Also, adressing the paragraphs. They have some potential individually, but do not fit together whatsoever.

The second paragraph has some impressive accomplishments, but it doesn't do you much good to say you neglected other parts of your life to achieve such success. On the other hand, if you don't mention those accomplishment in your application, this essay could serve as an impressive explaination for a bad transcript.

The last essay is a waste of space unless you are applying to a religious school.

"College is what I do, cheerleading is what I do, but its not who I am."

The question immediately popped into my head : then who are you? Your first paragraph is about your father, your second is about cheerleading, and your third is about religion. I don't think that question has been answered, thus your essay feels 'hanging' for me.

hope this helps :)