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The screeching of my front door gave me a sense of discomfort as I stormed into my room. I was fourteen and a freshman in high school. That was the first day of high school, and the first day without my mother greeting me as I came home waiting to tell her how my first day went. This was the same person who would ask me about my day and make me warm home-made food after a long day of school. After being a part of my life for thirteen years, she was gone.
I had always been an outcast as a kid, although I was born in America, I was raised with a heavily influenced Asian culture and I didn't understand the American lifestyle. I grew up in a far-knitted family and didn't know how to communicate well with others. Thus the absence of my mother exacerbated this situation as I tried to unhealthily suppress uncertainty about myself. The next few years of high school was a train wreck. I had trouble finding a circle of friends that I could rely on in the absence of my family figures. No one understood my circumstances and judged me and my mother for her absence and my actions. I tried defending myself by telling myself that I was important, and I would be okay, but inside, I still was addicted to other people's perception of me.
Throughout high school and eventually entering college, I spent countless hours reflecting about how people perceived me and shared these thoughts with myself since my single-mother has been absent. I began to blame my mother for my insecurities as she wasn't there for me through my time of adolescence, but I started to understand this moment in a different light. Given her circumstances - migrating here in search of a better future, only to find herself being single and raising two kids of her own on welfare at point, having such a hard time in the American system; my mother made the decision to leave and work in Asia where she was able to finally support her children.
I started caring more about my well-being than other people's opinions about me. I began talking to others about things that fascinated me, like fashion design and the international market, instead of desperately searching for other's approval. I stopped going to social outings with people that I thought were my friends, realizing that I was only there for the fabricated happiness that it brought me, and started designing clothes because I wanted to do something that would bring my happiness instead of receiving monetary bliss. I eventually became the person that I envisioned myself to be, which worked out when I started realizing what made me happy. My self-evaluation shifted from others' perception to self-respect.
As I open my front door every day, I stop and think about everything that has happened and I think of a positive outcome. However, in hindsight, I am incredibly grateful for my mother's decision on leaving. Her reasons that had once caused the pain was a necessary step in the process of becoming the man that I am today, someone who isn't afraid of being an outcast. Topic is what is something about yourself that is essential to understanding you
