Extracurricular college essay about soccer-SHORT (150 words max)

Would appreciate any type of comment/edit/feedback/criticism before the submission deadline, please help out! Will help edit in return!

In the corner of my bedroom lies a pair of soccer cleats, Clea, boasting her beautiful shine and tender age-lines. For now, she is relaxing off work, replaced by my curling boots during winter. Since day one, we have been through it all, from claiming the game-winning goal that granted us our first provincial title, to suffering through the insults after an embarrassing miss during the big home opener. Clea has even reluctantly endured shielding my feet from the gurgling mud during a rainy day of practice, and withstood being called a "saint" and "nutjob" simultaneously during my first men's game as a referee. Sure, she got frustrated when I didn't let her play, but watching me coach the 12-year olds from the sideline has helped with her patience. I can certainly sense her itching to get back on the soccer field, but until next season, Clea sits tight.

Whoa. That was pretty creative. Not only is your idea unique, but you also implemented vivid imagery that the readers can imagine what you and your shoe have gone through. My only piece of advice (that you may choose to ignore, since you're probably better than me at writing) is that you didn't mention about the impact of your extracurricular activity. How did soccer change you? What did you learn from these experiences? It wouldn't hurt to delete some of your vibrant imagery and add a sentence describing its influence to you.

But overall, that was pretty darn good. Good job.

I'm not sure what message you are actually trying to convey here. Are you talking about your cleats and the many adventures you have had with it? If that is so, then you are in for some major revision. The essay should discuss your soccer experience, not a story that centers on the imagined life and times of your cleats. While I can understand how your cleats are important to the sport, the shoes are not the one applying to college. So centering the essay on that theme isn't the way to go here.

If you want to keep your cleats as a part of the story, why not talk about how you came to choose these pair of cleats based upon your needs as an individual and team member. If you can talk about how you chose the cleats and how it helped you improve your game, maybe even scoring the winning goal while wearing it, then you should be able to show how the proper pair of shoes helped you become a better team player :-)