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"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - UC application prompt #1

pinkpolkadot15 2 / 3  
Nov 21, 2012   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My parents always stressed the importance of working hard and getting a good education. Growing up in the Philippines, where the rate of illiteracy, unemployment and the incidence of poverty is precipitous, motivates me greatly to focus on my education and better my future.

I was fortunate enough to have the chance to study abroad when my family moved to the United States in 2006. Although adjusting was difficult, from the language to the culture, I was determined.

My family moved around the United States many times, from Texas to California, in search of better jobs. Truth be told, I disliked Los Angeles at first. Middle School was horrid-I was introverted and timid, so it was difficult to make friends. It wasn't until the summer of seventh grade that I became more outgoing and sociable.

Everyone says high school is the time when you discover yourself-and I agree. I entered high school oblivious and undecided of my future. All I cared about were getting good grades, but my mother always encouraged me to try new things. I tried out for cheerleading, and surprisingly made it. Cheerleading became my escape from stress, but I unfortunately had to stop because of scoliosis. I visited my pediatrician multiple times because of my injury. During one appointment while waiting for my doctor to call my name, I noticed how melancholic the other children were around me. Then, after they visited the doctor, they had a smile on their faces. I knew then I wanted to be just like my doctor.

I struggled during my junior year of high school. My sister and I have always had a close relationship, but I never knew she would keep her sickness from me. My sister was diagnosed with depression and at times she would have tantrums because of it, and she'd end up hurting me. When I told my parents, they explained that she wasn't herself and to forgive her.

I told two of my closest friends about my sister, but it was my positivity and relationship with God that helped me surmount difficulties.
My sister is still under treatment, but with time she's getting better. She gave me a book full of quotes and this is my favorite one, "Fall seven times, stand up eight," a Japanese proverb. I'm pretty sure I've fallen on my face more than seven times from stunting in cheer, but this quote might also mean that no matter how difficult obstacles in life might seem, it is possible to defeat them. I'm no longer the oblivious, flimsy freshman. I'm a senior in high school with a set future of becoming a pediatrician.
esther3095 2 / 14  
Nov 22, 2012   #2

Your essay is good but there are too many elements to it.

I think you should try to narrow it down to one element, and how that part of your life has shaped your dreams.

For example you could focus on cheerleading and seeing the doctor while tying it back to hard work.
I feel like I'm reading your whole life story with only some parts relating how they shaped your dreams. I feel like the part about your sister could probably be left out (without taking out the proverb), and the part of middle school can be left out.

You need to focus on your goals and aspirations more.
Ultimately it's your decision.
I hope that helped.
lulwut 5 / 26 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #4
I think Esther hit the nail on the head, but here's a grammar mistake in case you haven't already fixed it.
"All I cared about were getting good grades..."
This should be changed to:
All I cared about was getting good grades...
ricejillian5 3 / 8 3  
Nov 25, 2012   #5
This essay has a lot of really good potential. you could easily take any one of the elements (depression, moving from the Philippines, not making friends, even the doctors office experience) and turn it into an amazing statement. i would definitely try to focus on one of these elements.

-try to talk about how your experiences have shaped the person you want to be more.
-they look for an elaborate story but along with that they want you to tie it all together and relate it back to how it has created who you want to be.

-remember the prompt is basically asking, "who do you want to be?" so try to go into more detail about that.
good luck!!!

I'm really sorry but i also have an essay on here and would love some feedback!
uscuscusc 9 / 27 2  
Nov 25, 2012   #6
I'm a senior in high school with a set future of becoming a pediatrician.

Focus on that. the rest is fluff that doesnt respond to the prompt.

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