My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay

This is only my rough draft, and I am even not sure I might use this or just pick another topic. So please leave a honest comment.

Thank you very much!!
PS. I am not the best essay writer, I'am more of a math and science person... So I am very sorry if my essay many error.

MY ESSAY..

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.(is the topic)

My family came to America with limited amounts of money and two small bags filled with our belongings. We were lucky to be able to rent a small basement room, which only had a twin sized bed, two chairs, and a big mirror. Only two days after we moved into our new "home", my parents were hired to work at a 24 hour grocery store in South Philadelphia. My parent worked from sun up to mid might, sometimes until three o'clock AM, lifting boxes and restocking shelves. Because my parents were out till midnight, the only person that I got to communicate with was my brother, JONH SMITH. Soon after my family moved to America, my brother was more like a parent to me than a sibling. He performed tasks like cooking, cleaning, and disciplining me. Despite the fact that my brother was only eight years older than me, he was and is the most influential person in my life.

By looking at my brother, I have witnessed numerous amounts of his actions that influenced me to become the man that I am today. Throughout my eighteen years of life with my brother, the one thing that he has influenced me was his determination for success. Coming to America at an older age, it was very difficult for my brother to speak and understand English. However, he would study day and night to perfect the new language, and soon after, he was able speak and writing English effortlessly. Even though learning a new language was very hard, especially English, my brother never gave up and kept at it until his goals were satisfied. He even managed to get into a college and graduate to become a Pharmacist. My brother's diligence is what influenced me to do what he has accomplished. He has shown me that if anyone tries their best and never surrenders, no matter what the hardship is, the outcome will always be successful.

By observing my brother, I have noticed that success cannot be easily attained but it is not impossible to achieve it. My brother once told me "Henry, this world works much like a business, depending on how much time and money you invest in the business, it will either flourish or fail." I want to keep in mind what my brother has said, and invest everything I got into my future. I know that if I follow my brother's footsteps, I, too, well one day become as successful as him. As a father figure in my life, my brother has influenced my present life and my future life. John Quincy Adam will always be my hero and my mentor no matter how much time has passed.

Thank you again for your help and your time. Have a great day!

Hi! Your essay really struck home for me as I have a younger sister who I often find myself a pseudo-parent for due to the long hours my dad works...

Anyways, I just noticed a few small things:

twin-sized bed hyphenated
24-hour grocery store hyphenated
sun up to midnight "midnight" is one word
out till midnight Use "until" - it's more formal
Soon after my family moved to America, my brother was more like a parent to me than a sibling. There is something awkward with this sentence. Can I suggest: "Immediately after coming to America, my brother became more of a parent to me than a sibling." Or just "My brother became more like a parent to me than a sibling."

eight-years older than me hyphenated
he was, and is, the most influential person in my life. Commas separating "and is."

By looking at my brother, I have witnessed numerous amounts of his actions that influenced me to become the man that I am today. This sentence is kind of redundant. Consider: "Through his actions, my brother has influenced me to..."

Throughout my eighteen years of life with my brother, the one thing that he has influenced me mostwasis his determination for success.to succeed.

was able speak and writing English effortlessly. "to speak and write.."

Even though learning a new language was very hard, especially English , my brother never gave up and kept at it until his goals were satisfied. "...until he was satisfied." or "...until he reached his goal."

He even managed to get into a college and graduate to become a Pharmacist. My brother's diligence is what influenced me to do what he has accomplished. He has shown me that if anyone tries their best and never surrenders, no matter what the hardship is, the outcome will always be successful.

By observing my brother, I have noticed that success cannot be easily attained but it is not impossible to achieve it. Consider: "My brother has taught me that while success is not always easily attained, nothing is impossible."

everything I got into my future. "everything I have..."

I know that if I follow my brother's footsteps, I, too, wellwill
one day become as successful as him. "...as he is."

As a father-figure in my life hyphenated

John Quincy Adam will always be my hero and my mentor no matter how much time has passed. Wait...is your brother's name John Quincy Adams? If so...you should say that waaay sooner.

@ Kelsey1704
Thank you so much for your help.

@others
is this topic okay to submit or does any one think there might be a better topic to pick?

I think it's a perfect topic to submit. I can see how falling into the trap of not talking enough about yourself would be easy with a topic like this one, but you use what you say about your brother to ultimately tell about yourself.

John Quincey Adams

My family came to America with limited amounts of money and two small bags filled with our belongings.

Yes, I think this is a great topic! The way to improve it might be to write some more at the end about what you will do with the opportunity you now have. Tell about your plan a little at the end of the essay -- your plan for college & career.