Please read my essay and suggest any corrections. This is a first draft so i will have many errors. Please tell me if my essay does not sound good because i think it kinda sounds bad....
UC promt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I remember vividly that thick, black casket being carried up to the front of the pulpit. I remember feeling the hard, smooth texture of it as I approached in fear. I could feel shivers run down my hands and up my spine sending messages of fear into my mind. As I peered into that black box, it felt as if I was being sucked into a vortex of abyss-what could make a black box so fearful? As I peered over the crimson edges of the box, I saw what I least wanted to see-the body of my uncle. A sad smile seemed to brush across his face as I closed my eyes in fear. I remembered then, exactly who took my uncle's last breath away. It was not a who, but a what-that ruthless disease which took the lives of thousands of coal miners during the Industrial Revolution, took my uncle as well.
Surprisingly, it was neither pity nor sadness that first enveloped me as I reflected upon his death. It was that last expression that seemed to continually probe me-whenever I thought of my uncle, I could only see that sad smile on his face. Little did I know that his death would be a milestone in my life, an experience that has shaped my dreams and aspirations. As I have seen many deaths before, his was the first to really bring forth my interest in medicine. I began to really dig deeper into the cause of my uncle's death. I learned that he passed away from Lung Cancer, as he was a heavy, chronic smoker. I remember my family would visit the hospital on a monthly basis as he went through treatment for about a year and a half. The doctors claimed that they had done the best they could, but that death was inevitable as there were no cures for cancer. I began to question his death, almost like questioning the obvious-exactly what was the purpose of medicine then if he was eventually going to die? Was it only just to cure illnesses, or was it something more? It was then that I truly began to scratch the surface and dig deeper. I realized through my high school years, as I would go on medical mission trips to Mexico, that the true purpose of medicine is the purpose of life: to show the willingness to show compassion and the will to help others. I realized then that the roots of medicine stems from human relationships, that medicine is somewhat like another language, conveying our affection for someone other than oneself. Although the famous psychologist Sigmund Freud said that all human beings by nature are selfish beings, I realized that we can show compassion to others, fulfilling our roles life. In another words, medicine shows the brighter sides of human nature, that we can be a people of compassion. This discovery is what I take pride in as it describes who I want to become, and continues to fuel my dreams of medicine today and will continue to do so. My goal in life is to become a Pharmacist and eventually use my knowledge to help others around the world through a renowned organization known as Compassion.
Word count: 544
I like the concept that is there.
Check over careless mistakes, like capitalization of common nouns (with exception of "compassion" because it looks like you did that intentionally) and phrases that would be better off left out of a formal essay.
Do you think that my essay might be a little too cliche as im talking about family death?
I remember vividly that thick black casket being carried up to the front of the pulpit. dont need that comma
I remember feeling the hard smooth texture,of it as I approached in fear.
I could feelfelt shivers run down my hands and up my spine sending messages of fear into my mind. Written past tense
As I peered into that black box, it felt as if I was being sucked into a vortex of abyss-what could make a black box so fearful? As I peered over the crimson edges of the box, I saw what I least wanted to see-the body of my uncle. Make this sentence more clear. Maybe separate it into three different sentences to make it more clear.
A sad smile seemed to brush across his face as I closed my eyes in fear . repeating the concept of fear too much
It was not a who, but a what-that ruthless disease which took the lives of thousands of coal miners during the Industrial Revolution, took my uncle as well . I like this sentence because it is the transition of what is your impact, but make it more clear.Maybe if you change it to:The cause of my uncle's death was not physically a person, but that ruthless disease that took the lives of thousands if coal miners during the Industrial Revolution.or something of that sort..
It was that last expression that seemed to continually probe me, whenever I thought of my uncle, I could only see that sad smile on his face.
Little did I know that his death would be a milestone in my life, an experience that has shaped my dreams and aspirations. This sentence is good because again it is a transition, but try making it more clear.How did it become a milestone? What impact had this uncle had in your life when he was alive? Explain.
I learned that he passed away from Lung Cancer, as he was a heavy, chronic smoker. I thought he died from a disease make more clear.
I remember my family would visit the hospital on a monthly basis as he went through treatment for about a year and a half.I dont think you need this sentence, although the sentence ater that is good but make it more clear.
I realized through my high school years, as I would go on medical mission trips to Mexico, that the true purpose of medicine is the purpose of life: to show the willingness to show compassion and the will to help others. I love this sentence :)Although break the sentence up.I think you should expand on the your wish to go to trips in Mexico. Is it to help those less fortunate? Is it to give those people a chance that your Uncle did not have? I see were you are going but make it more personal. Ommit all useless information and delve into the experiences that delve with what you want to become.
I realized then, that the roots of medicine stems from human relationships.T hat medicine, is somewhat like another language; conveying our affection for someone other than oneself. Love this sentence. Superb. :)
Maybe Change these two sentences to this:
Sigmund Freud, a famous psychologist, once said that all human beings by nature are selfish beings, but I realized that we can show compassion to others, fulfilling our roles life.
This discovery is what I take pride, which continues to fuel my dreams of medicine today and will continue to do so.
My goal in life is to become a Pharmacist, and eventually use my knowledge to help others around the world through a re-owned organization known as compassion . Love this sentence too.
I think you are doing a fantastic job so far. Dont worry this topic really fits the prompt just make your declarations more clear. Dont be afraid to make your decalaration exajerated and personal cause remember colleges want to know the person you are and the your ability to show it. It can be stressfull to portray yourself when there are imposed limitiations, but just take it easy and let your statement flowDont worry you are doing a fine job.
I also posted a personal statement just if you want to check it out. Thanks!
Does anyone think that this might fit better with the first uc prompt?
No, because here you are talking about an experience. Prompt 1 wants to know how your world shaped the person you are today and aspirations not how an event in life shaped who you are. I think it fits better with the secon. Then again, thats just me.
Use it for the second. Although some of the same themes could potentially overlap.
Do you guys think my intro sounds kind of too morbid? Do you think i need a better intro because i think it isn't very catchy.
No I think it sounds good. I just have a question? Is the UC system going to take an essay as copied if we post it on this web?
We've never had any problems associated with plagiarism checkers, because their bots are not allowed to probe our site. However, we encourage people to use their real names when creating memberships so that their names appear next to the essays they post.
