My family and WWW, MIT - Describe the world you come from - does it convey?

Could you guys tell me if this essays stays on topic? Is it something that sounds unique? I have written so man essays for this prompt but none of them are ever good. Does this one effectively convey my position to the admin officer?

Two forces, working almost in synonymous harmony have constructed my world: my family's influential history and the World Wide Web. My family's situation is quite strange; my mother grew up in a 3rd world country and then migrated to England later in their life. I was born and raised in England for the early part of my life, and then later moved to America. As a result of my family's hardships, their high expectations have indirectly guided me towards a more independent lifestyle; one where I was encouraged to follow my ambitions, while still maintaining academic excellence.

In my effort to pursue knowledge that would help me better understand the world and benefit its inhabitants in some way, I turned to the World Wide Web. Unlike many people who are mostly influenced by persons of geographic proximity, I have been given the opportunity to see the problems, issues, and solutions that are affecting humans from all walks of life. My dreams as a child have not changed much with the revolution of the internet; rather they have become more attuned to real world modern applications. There was a point in my life where I once thought that I would be the first to invent the flying car. I will achieve this goal; however, my car will be for spaceflight. Of the many things my world has taught me, I have learned that we can only progress technologically when we apply our individual minds towards a global community and focus all our efforts on the advancement of the human race.

^The only thing strange in this sentence is your usage of the word 'their' even though you are referring to your mother.
There is nothing strange about a mother having grown up in a 3rd world country and having then migrated to England. In fact, in England, it was quite common at one time. The results of massive immigration to the UK is very prominent, take Birmingham for example. I doubt that any one really considers this strange.


^What ambitions? What does 'where' refer to; 'where' refers to place, therefore i assume you mean 'in which'. Also, in that case there is no use for a semi-colon.

I do not quite understand the link you are making between your family's supposed hardships (you have not referred to any) and your independent lifestyle.


^Care to exemplify?

Your remaining sentences also lack coherence and contain grammatical errors, as well as undeveloped points.

I do not quite see you as coming off as unique. Neither does this essay.

man...thats a bummer...ill try and re-work it. thanks for the response though.

Well.. the position you take is just as important as how well you convey it.


Yes, I agree! I was thinking of suggesting that the word "together" be added to the end of that sentence in order to fix that.

You need one more comma here:
Two forces, working almost in synonymous harmony, have constructed my...

...much with the revolution of the Internet ; rather, they have...

You can make this much more solid by adding a sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- a sentence that captures both themes you have introduced and puts them together as the constituents of this world you come from.

:-)

Don't be discouraged! It is great writing. I like what you wrote about helping the world and its inhabitants.