Thank You! Please criticize me!! And.. If you see any grammar mistakes,
could you please help me..? Thank You!!
Prompt#2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
As my eyes filled with tears of happiness, old memories flashed across my mind. I was holding a trophy that made me feel as if all my hardships had now been rewarded. I began to reminisce about my sophomore year.
I could hear whispering about me around the band room. They were staring at me as if I did not belong. As a new sophomore student who did not know how to march at all and even worse, could not play any musical instruments, I tried to conceal my anxious face behind a forced smile. Throughout the rehearsal, I could hear section leaders call out my name numerous times. "Eunice! Guide! Flute angle!" Behind my smile, I struggled to follow them. While the others were making beautiful sounds with their instruments as they marched, I was busy moving my eyes back and forth trying to follow them. Being a sort of outcast from the group made me want to practice more. Whenever there were pencils or sticks nearby, I held like a flute and marched along the hallway. The more I practiced along the hallways, the more I became satisfied and ambitious. I would put marching maps in my pencil case, my binder, and in my pockets to memorize my marching routes. Living in the dream of seeing myself in the field show inspired me even more.
Marching band was already a crucial part of my school life. As I became accustomed to band, I felt that I was becoming one of them. However, one day, I heard my teacher and section leader doubting my eligibility of to be a part of the band. I felt as if all hope had flown been lost, but I could not give up. Though it was just my imagination at that time, I saw myself in the field show, and even though I knew my flute sound was completely different from others, I played my best. I marched as if I were a professional marcher. With this thought in mind, I could not let myself to give up on my dream. The more time that I spent time in rehearsals, the more I learned. I saw myself really enjoying the rehearsals with friends and music. It was ironic that I became even more energetic after a long, tiring rehearsal. I was just really happy to be part of the group because I felt like I belonged. After many rehearsals, the biggest gifts to me were that I did not have to fake playing flute and could also be on the field with confidence as a marcher. Thankfully, at the end of my sophomore and junior year, I was nominated as "most improved person" in band.
To be part of this group was tremendously challenging to me. I still cannot forget that frightening first day when I faked playing the flute. Now, I help not only myself improve, but also help other band mates improve. This is the moment that I have dreamed of each night after rehearsal. This precious experience gave me confidence and made me become a person who is willing and ready to take on any challenge. Throughout my sophomore and junior year, I became more sociable and optimistic person. As of my dreams had come true, I was led to fulfilling another challenge of being successful in college. Just thinking of accomplishing another goal imbues me with incomprehensible enthusiasm, which I hope to bring to college, where I can share it with the community.
Overall the idea is great, just be more fluid with your transitions ( especailly the "however one day they doubted me" section).
Also try and combine some of your sentences to make the flow of the essay a bit smoother (ex. Marching band was already a crucial part of my school life. As I became accustomed to band, I felt that I was becoming one of them.) You jsut have a bit too many short statements that break up the flow.
Watch your sentences there are many grammatically mistakes as well.
(ex. As of____ my dreams had come true, I was led to fulfilling...)
Again great job with the connection at the end and the pacing, good luck!
Thank You!
I was thinking about the transition problems too.
I actually do not know how to connect short sentences into one to make the flow of the essay smoother. It is so hard for me to figure that out. :(
Do you think i can say
As one of my dreams had come true, I was led to fulfilling... <-- like this ?
I felt as if all hope had flown been lost, but I could not give up.
You have some beautiful, rhythmic sentences in this essay.
How about this part of the prompt: how does it relate to the person you are? I think it will be better if you add more reflection to the end. For example... this "person you are"... are you a person going into the field of education? If so, perhaps this experience will help you to empower young people you meet who doubt their abilities. Or... are you going into the field of criminal justice? Perhaps the way you overcame your adversity in band has instilled in you a sense that the juvenile offenders you serve can overcome their adversity as well.
Tell us about this person you are becoming.
