I am concerned that my essay isn't engaging enough and would love any input!! Please be harsh! I also want to make sure that I answered the question effectively. Thanks!
What is your intended major?
HUMAN BODY FASCINATION
Fascinated with the human body and wanting to pursue a career in medicine, I decided to study biology at East Los Angeles College (ELAC). As I dove into the subject and began taking different biology courses, I was mesmerized by the human developmental pathway- how a human-being starts off as a single cell, a cell so small yet so complex, that given the proper conditions and time will give rise to a human being ready to be born. I was also amazed how within us lies a world composed of billions of cells all operating in perfect harmony and within every cell is a chemical blueprint dictating the chemical pathways responsible for our development. It is this branch of biology that excites me and has lead me to pursue a degree in molecular and cellular biology.
As I began college, I sought after a community of students who aspired to make a difference in their community, through the use of medicine. Not finding one, a group of friends and I decided to start a pre-med club on campus, Chicanos Latinos for Community Medicine (CCM). From the start of the club, I have had the fortune of being elected co-chair, a position that has provided me opportunities for professional development, such as organizing ELAC's first health fair and pre-med conference. Although, I have yet to become a physician, these two events have allowed me to serve my peers and community by providing resources that they may have otherwise not received. Providing others with help has offered a glimpse into the future, allowing me to see the kind of impact I can make on my community once I become a physician.
In addition to CCM, I also participated in the Math, Engineering, and Science Association (MESA) program. As I immersed myself in the program, I was offered many opportunities to travel to a variety of conferences, such as the New England Research Symposium, and the American Medical Student Associating convention. Not only did they expose me to the different fields of medicine, but they also revealed a world I had not known, where medicine and research come together as one. Wanting to experience research first hand, I decided to take part in Bridges to the Future, a research internship at the California State University of Los Angeles, where I worked in a Bio-Chemistry Laboratory for Dr. Robert Vellanoweth. My project was to manipulate bacterial cells to produce a plant protein, which I was able to undertake successfully. At the end of the summer I was able to showcase my work in three different symposiums, events that expanded my goal of not only becoming a doctor but a researcher as well.
Through these experiences, I have obtained an eclectic collection of skills. I have learned how work in a team efficiently, conduct myself professionally, organize events successfully, and mange my time effectively, skills that I plan to utilize and expand upon once I transfer. In addition to these skills, my involvement in clubs, programs, and research have given me a taste of what the real world will be like and all the challenges and responsibilities that come with being a successful leader. Having experienced this has allowed me to acquire the confidence and motivation in helping me transfer, which is the next step in achieving my goal of becoming a successful medical researcher.
I think this essay is great, it has depth and explains everything you mentioned, however you are right, the essay doesn't talk enough about you. you do a great job of listing your accomplishment, which is great, however I feel like you didn't learn from what you did, yes you learned how to be a leader, you learned how to research and produce a project, although you never say how it impacts you, how what you learned now can be used in the future. if anything this essay is great it captivated me from the very beginning however, I feel like as an admissions officer I would want to know about you. you already have this listed on your application, they want to know how this changed you, how it impacted you in a positive manner. other than that great essay.
Genesis, the latter part of your essay works very well. It is the first part that you have to work on, It lacks that effective hook that tells us that your story is one that will be interesting. I believe that the reason the hook is missing is because you have not really developed the story about how your interest in the human body and a career in medicine transpired. You just glossed over it and went directly to college. What you have to do is go further back. I would say as far back as high school, or whenever your interest in the human body became evident. Show us the progression of your interest by presenting important moments that highlight the rising interest in the topic on your end. Once you do that, the essay should become more interesting.
