Well I'm writing a common app essay on the person who influenced me the most and I am in need of some feedback. Here is what I have so far. I know it's not the greatest and it could use some help
Prompt:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I choose to write the essay on my father
the "___"= a quote from my dad but I can't think of one at the momemnt
Everyday I walk through the familiar walls of my home and I see the faces of people who have greatly influenced me. Out of all these people my father has had the most influence on my life. Moreover it has been the persistence and the tenacity of my father that has chiefly affected me. He always said to me "_____''. Throughout my life I have witnessed instances, in which my father applied these wise words to his life.
In the winter of 1996, my father, brother, and I immigrated to the United States from Jamaica, West Indies. The United States was a strange and unfamiliar place for us, which was the case for many immigrants. Although my father had relatives living in America, none of them had the means to house us for an extended period of time. For this reason we had to move constantly from relative to relative. While staying with a relative in Manhattan, my dad began relentlessly searching for a job. Previously my father was the accounting manager for a large corporation in Jamaica, albeit he was still turned away from many employers. Despite all of the rejections, he persevered long enough to be hired as an Assistant Financial Controller for a prominent enterprise.
Keep focused on the fact that this is the only place in your application where you have control over what they know about you. Make sure you do not write mainly about your father, instead, really stay focused on how he influenced you for example you watched your father persevere to find a job to support his family, has this shaped you into a individual who refuses to fail? Remember: DO NOT describe your father's life, this is YOUR essay, write about YOU
Thanks I was thinking that I was speaking too much about my father with any connection to myself. My plan was to write like one or two instances that exhibted his tenacity and one example where his perserverence rubbed off on me. the example would probably be school related or something of the sort. what are sentiments on that?
That sounds good, as long as you make sure you relate everyting back to you you'll be fine
I think this is good. your writing is strong, just remember to say how he influenced you. Best of luck.
