My father bought me a telescope - signficant experience ;Common App essay

creepernaut 3 / 5

Dec 5, 2012 #1

**Im using the first common app prompt "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." and I could use some feedback. I'm a little worried that it sounds trite and some critique is appreciated. If anyone reading this would also be kind enough to tell me about any grammer mistakes they catch while reading it that would also be lovely.

I remember when I was a little kid how clear the stars used to be. My father bought me a telescope and I still remember how incredible that experience was. I remember first using it and learning that some of the dots of light in the night sky, the ones that mesmerize me, were planets! Imagine that! They all had different colors and sizes, I could barely see one with tiny rings and apparently, some had their own moons too! It is one of the greatest feelings I may ever know.

Ever since I first looked through that telescope I've been plagued with an unquenchable curiosity. Discovery, and the pursuit of knowledge, is a humbling experience. All of a sudden my world, that once seemed so vast, was a humble and insignificant place compared to the cosmos. Biology made humans a little less special, but much more fascinating. Instantly my world became infinitely larger, there was so much more to do, to see, to learn. That telescope began my life long love of science.

Curiosity is one of my defining traits. If it weren't for my father's gift I don't know who I would be today. Who knows where I would be now, or what I would be doing at this moment. One thing I know for certain, I wouldn't be wrecking myself over an essay for someone who I will never meet. I'm wrecking myself because this essay is meant to impress, or enlighten someone about me, but what I'm writing about is so impossible to articulate.

It's something that's difficult to explain, this feeling that telescope inspired in me. It is simply so innate, such a basic facet of myself that it's impossible for me to understand. There's this massive world we all live in, and we only have so little time to cherish it. With so little time how could I not want to see as much as possible? Learn everything I can understand. Teach others as long as I can speak. Hopefully I can contribute something meaningful before my hour is up.

I don't know if it is inspiration, or motivation, but it's what keeps me going. The knowledge that this world I live in is massive. The truth that the world always has something to learn, and that feeling discovery will always be out there waiting to be found. That was my father's real gift.

linting2012 10 / 78

Dec 5, 2012 #2

I remember when I was a little kid how clear the stars used to be.

I would use a comma here, "I remembered, when I was a little kid, how clear the stars used to be"

I remember first using it and learning that some of the dots of light in the night sky, the ones that mesmerize me, were planets!

Revised: "I remembered my first time using it and learning that the dots of lights in the night sky, the ones that mesmerized me, were planets!"

I would post more but its late for me now, maybe tomorrow

Pahan 1 / 1824

Dec 5, 2012 #3

This is a nice essay and it has got a nice flow to it. :)
Here are my suggestions.

. I remember first using it and learning that some of the dots of light in the night sky, the ones that mesmerize me, were planets!

When I used it for the first time, I understood that some of the dots of light in the sky I was so fascinated about were actually planets!

It's something that's difficult to explain, this feeling that telescope inspired in me.

I believe you should use a "the" in front of the telescope.

I like the first couple of paragraphs but the others made it a little confusing.

But i still think you have written a good essay. :)