my favorite subject is Mathematics; Personal statement (Acounting course)

Please check this lettter for me, I need to send it immediately!!! Thanks!
Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Ngo Nhat Quang. I just graduated from Kim Lien High school in Hanoi, Vietnam.

I wish to apply for the Bachelor of Business (Accounting) course at Swinburne University. My career ambition is to become a professional accountant in fields as taxation or management accounting in banking or an international company.

My education stared quite soon. When I was about 4 years old, I learnt how to read, write basically and did some simple calculations with the instruction of my mother, a very erudite person of my mind. This early education was my own willing because I just wanted to explore everything surrounded me.

My student life in primary school was like everybody else. While still trying to get good marks in all the subjects, I spend more time on outdoor activities like swimming, painting, playing badmintons, playing football and I even tried learning Karate. In secondary school, with the flying-colors transcript and high score in the classification exam, I get accepted to Trung Nhi Secondary School with the major field being Mathematics.

When I started my student life in upper secondary school, I began recognize the importance of studying to my future life and career. I realized that what I learnt would define both my appearance and personality as a member of the society. Therefore, I concentrated more on my study and graduated high school with the good degree. And now, it is my dream to have an opportunity to go study aboard, learn more about the world and receive a high quality education. Your country, your school is where I wish to spend the rest of my student life.

I have to say that I have had a particular interest in Mathematics since I was just a child. At school, my favorite subject is Mathematics. With numbers and calculations, I can study Mathematics for hours without tiredness. Moreover, I think I am logical, methodical and good with numbers and I always take my work with the high accuracy.

I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to meet your expectations with both my knowledge and interpersonal skills. I believe that one of the most important steps to my future is to come to the Swinburne University.

Thank you for your attention and consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Hello,

This essay is as basic as they get. You do not explain why you want to study at this University and not another one. Also, you fail to adequately explain why it is you wish to study accounting. Yes, you love math, yes you are great in math, but why accounting? Why not engineering, teaching, physics, finance, design or the countless other majors that involve a high level of mathematics? You need to focus this essay more, clean up the grammar and add real substance to prove that you are worthy of admissions. -AAO

Hope this helps

Thanks for your help! :))

Choose the major you are most interested in and think sounds like a stable career and fun to you. It's also ok to transfer if you have the funds to extend your education.

It's generally grammatically correct but not in the best or most proper usage.

I believe that one of the most important steps to my future is to come to the Swinburne University. (Sounds odd)

to graduate from Swinborne....is acceptance to Swinborne....is an undergraduate from swinborne....etc.

Also this is Australia...English isn't the same as the US (Or someone from New York).

If you have a Cambridge English teacher around your area..have them look at it.

They'll give better advice or ask school admissions directly for help. They're understanding for foreign students typically.