Prompt 1: "Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
"In the course of a man's higher education, everything becomes interesting; he knows how to find the instructive side of a matter quickly, and to indicate the point where it can fill up a hole in his thinking, or confirm an idea." - Friedrich Nietzsche. Growing up in Clovis as the only son and middle child of a family of five - with a school nurse as a mother and a father in law enforcement - I have learned to be humble and extremely grateful for a rewarding and productive life. From such a positive setting, it was easy to establish the drive to better myself in different aspects. Through both family and school, I have acquired the respect for knowledge and the curiosity necessary to shape my aspirations of studying the brain.
Furthering my education was never presented to me as an option by my family. I grew up as one of three kids and have proudly gained the stereotype of 'the smart one'. Since my older sister, a 3-sport varsity athlete, and my younger sister, a popular leadership student and class president, seemed to exhibit their own individual and substantial strengths, it was only natural that I worked hard to uphold and refine my own. From my family I developed to be confident in my skills and tenacious in working for them. Assuming that niche not only gave me reason to flourish in school but, it allowed me to find an appreciation for the pursuit of knowledge. "Filling holes in my thinking" became an endeavor that eventually sparked my interest in subjects like biology and psychology.
School has greatly contributed to fueling my internal drive and curiosity. Being an honors and AP student, I have been immersed in a competitive environment in which teachers have always encouraged me to ask questions. Nurturing curiosity has meant a lot to me and, in the past I constantly embraced the opportunity to ask questions and to ultimately 'confirm ideas'. It is this curiosity and desire to match explanations with questions that have made me want to pursue a career in research.
Bettering myself through academics, gaining insight into how things work, and allowing curiosity to further my quest for knowledge have all been ideals instilled in me by the world that I come from. As a result, researching and studying biology has become an ambition of mine. I hope to someday satiate my curiosity and expand my knowledge base answering questions and proposing ideas in the field of neuroscience.
You should expand and tell how your family and school has shaped who you are. You have told us that they shaped who you are, but there are no examples of how. It is a little confusing that you say you are the middle of five children but in the next paragraph it seems you only have two sisters. You should restructure some of your sentences to make your point more clear. Overall, you have made a great start.
One thing I would change about your essay is the quote. We had a UC admissions officer come to talk to us about the prompts and he advised us not the start out with quotes because it detracts from the essay being about you.
I also think you could expand more on the concept of how your world has affected you. Stories of a specific occasion that demonstrate your point can really help to strengthen your essay as well. Overall though, the idea is great! =]
Growing up in Clovis as the only son and
After the sexist phrasing used by Nietzsche, this reference to being the only son is a little too much. I think you should just mention being the middle child. Mentioning that you are the only son makes it sound like you have responsibilities different from those of the girls, which would not be okay.
You only mentioned "interest" one time in the essay, and interest is the subject of the quote you used as a theme. I think the essay needs to express your experience of having come to be interested in all things as the result of education.
As a result, researching and studying biology has become an ambition of mine. I hope to someday satiate my curiosity and expand my knowledge base answering questions and proposing ideas in the field of neuroscience.----Here, you should go a step further and name some topics in the field of neuroscience that most appeal to you... the topics you currently like to read books and articles about.
:-)
