Can someone please proofread my essay? The prompt is to expound on one your extracurricular activities (150 words max) - any and all criticism is welcome! Also, would using this response make me seem like a weak applicant? -Thanks!
Making mistakes is a part of figure skating. A part of life. Before I started figure skating, almost everytime I made a mistake, whether it be in sports or in school, I would let it bog myself down. But during a lesson with my coach, she ...
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"Bog myself down" sounds a little awkward. I think the better way to say that would be "Bog me down" or "Weigh me down.". I personally like the way you related figure skating back to your own life, but it seems like you could talk more about skating and less about making mistakes. The prompt was, after all, to expound on an extracurricular. Also, you used the word "mistake" a lot. Maybe sub in another word occasionally?
Thank you smarty350 for your advice!
Making mistakes is a part of figure skating. A part of life. Before I started figure skating, almost everytime I made a mistake, whether it be in sports or in school, I would let it bog me down. But during a lesson with my coach, she told me, "If you mess up, keep your chin up and keep going." Since then, that piece of advice has helped changed my views on making mistakes. Now, when I make a mistake, I try not to let it discourage me but treat it as a learning experience to see where I can improve in the area where I made that blunder. Although no one likes to mess up, what figure skating has taught me is to learn from mistakes and to keep going.
But during a lesson with my coach, she told me, "If you mess up, keep your chin up and keep going."
This is too simple! Everyone knows this. You have a nice writing style, but I think you need to add another sentence to explain why that was meaningful to you. Encouraging someone to keep the chin up does not really seem very meaningful to me. Maybe you can give a sentence to explain why it was so meaningful to you. Dig deep, and tell why this sentence helped you change your outlook.
:-)
